Don't forget your to make your Zombie Plan.

SUC's Helpful Hints: Zombies in Plain English

Don't be caught with your pants down (*snicker*) during a zombie attack! Watch this informational guide to surviving an attack of the undead.


Thanks to Paul, finder of ridiculous internet ridiculousness.

WWZ

Some time ago I read World War Z, an excellent "oral history" of the zombie wars, written by Max Brooks.
As predicted by Steve and yours truly, a film is now in the works.

And that's all I got, check out the story at Zombiephiles.com.

For the health conscious undead.

Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet

Excerpt:
Added Rossum: "Braaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnns!"

Nature, going for the cheap shot.

A 5 year old tackled and pinned a rabid fox to prevent it injuring other children at a family BBQ outside Charlotte. Apparently a completely different rabid fox attacked a little girl nearby the same day.

Excerpt from Article:
Rayshun's stepfather, Ryan Thompson, pulled the boy off the animal and kicked it. A neighbor fired a handgun three times but the fox continued to advance.... Thompson, wearing a cast because of a broken leg, said he used a stick and his crutch to beat the fox to death.

Note: this is the second time a rabid animal has been beaten to death with a crutch in recent news. Now I wonder:

Crutch : Nature :: Chainsaw : Zombies

(I believe this to be the correct notation of Crutch is to Nature as Chainsaw is to Zombies, is this true?)

Catty Parting Shots

From the end of the NY Times review of Pirates 3.

“Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” is rated PG-13 (Parents strongly cautioned). It has scary battles, scary monsters and even scarier rock musicians.

I was going to disagree, but on the NY Times website I took the following screen capture:

If that wasn't intentional I'll eat my fictitious hat.

Zombie Plague Alert Level Skyrocketing

Zombie Plague Alert Level was raised to yellow this morning when the creepy geometric rash escaped its square confines and popped up in other portions of my back and a renegade group- and it galls me to say it- under my right breast. These new groups do not seem to care for squares and are in any and every shape.

I cannot express my level of discomfort, but let me say that if I was a dude I would not have even made it into work today. There is no bra made by man (nor, I contend, beast) that can possibly work without touching my fiery and painful rash of damnation.

This is a rash of perhaps not biblical proportion, but maybe of biblical origin; am I being scourged by God? My guess would be that He's ticked about the cursing and the hating everyone and whatnot. Maybe hydrocorisone does not work on scourges. That would explain a lot.

I have now made an appointment to see my doctor today at 3. Undoubtedly, she will then become exposed and turn around and expose countless patients to my horrifying, but very gradual zombification.
Today I'm scratching my back... sometime next year I'm scratching yours.
With my teeth.

Stephen King now giving everyone nightmares.

CBS is reporting that there is a widespread rumor across Afghanistan and Pakistan that calls on cell phones from certain numbers will cause scary orifice bleeding/death.

In other Cell related news, I finished the novel yesterday and found out there is a film adaptation in pre-production right now.

Hooray zombie stuff!!!
Booooooo orifice bleeding!!!

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

So, three days ago I got out of the shower and noticed that during the night I had scratched my back (or so I believed at the time) and a patch of it was red and swollen.
The next day the patch began to itch like nuts and I noticed that it was exactly square.
Yesterday I was displeased with life as I had been woken up by my own unconscious scratching of the patch.
Last night I was still waking myself up with the scratching to the point that I had to wear socks on my hands to prevent myself from irritating the skin further. I am driven nuts by this and am going to have to go and get some kind of stuff to put on it OR go to the doctor (which I HATE doing.)
The point that I meant to get to earlier is that I can’t determine why I have a square rash. My grandma thinks it is an allergic reaction—but to what? I am not wearing anything new or doing anything new (because I am boring).
My guesses:
Flesh eating bacteria.
Zombie plague.
WebMD has me convinced that I have cancer or hepatitis. I tried looking up my known allergies to look for something new. Interestingly, it noted that my latex allergy and my tomato allergy are connected as they both share a common protein. It also noted that it could be eczema, as that runs in the family too.
Also interestingly, it didn’t have any mention of zombie plague. I’m thinking government cover up.

I am a total idiot.

Between the stupid new daylight savings time change, the sinus infection (which I STILL have) and the upstairs neighbor with OCD who, when he goes outside for a 3 am ciggy must open-shut-open-shut-open-shut-open the door, then open the screen door, then shut-open-shut-open-shut-open-shut the door, then close the screen door, then smoke his cigarette, then open the screen door, then open-shut-open-shut-open-shut-open the door, then close the screen door, and then shut-open-shut-open-shut-open-slam shut and double lock, and the fact that I am reading The Stand, I cannot sleep. Since I cannot sleep in the PM, I cannot wake up in the AM. And because I am getting 3 hours of sleep I am a romping raging bitch from hell.

These things, the neighbor, the sinus infection, daylight savings time: totally not my fault. Reading about a super-plague wiping out the world and Satan and God battling for the disgusting souls of man, replete with war, famine, rape, murder, and Satan possessed weasels right before bed- absolutely stupid and completely my fault.

This is the stuff that keeps me up at night. The thin veneer of "humanity" that keeps us from raping and plundering our neighbors completely evaporating. End of the world. Zombies. Nuclear fall out. You name it- it is freaking hugely scary to me.

Ghosts, serial killers, vampires, true crime- not going to keep me awake at night.

I was so keyed up a few nights ago I had to watch CSI to calm down. Decomposing corpses don't usually lull me to sleep, but when faced with killer weasels, I'll take the maggots, thanks.

After reading or watching these "fall of human society" sorts of scenarios, I always remind myself that in case of killer disease I will probably be the first to die. In a zombie scenario, I will be the one moaning 'brains,' not the guy with a shotgun. Sure my earthquake kit, and various survival items would be great to have in the event of an actual disaster, but I will probably die trapped under the rubble, squished right next to my bottled water and thermal blanket.

This cheerful thought, earplugs, and some Nyquil usually can get me to sleep.