Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband, because rabid otters are attacking everyone out here.

Rabid. Otter. Attacks.

Thanks for nothing, Nature.

There have been three recent attacks on humans, including two passers-by, and one man filming the otter in his own yard.

Most disturbingly, this otter crime wave was kicked off when, and I'm not shitting you, an otter broke into someone's house and bit their dog, Chester, on the nose.

Otters, right? Total assholes.

Photo credit.

Toilet Spider, WTF?!

Today at the Workplace WC, I turned to flush the toilet in my usual stall, and a SPIDER crawled out of the tiny gap in between the wall and the toilet and, given that spiders are pervs, undoubtedly took a picture with his tiny spider iPhone to send along to all the other spiders in the building or post on some sort of creepy spider file share of ladies' bottom pix.

Really, Spider, the toilet? You looked around and said, yep, this is where I want to live, in the toilet? Spider, you are all kinds of screwed up.

Later, I (because I'm an idiot) had forgotten about Toilet Spider (how did I forget, you ask? please see earlier parenthetical note) and when I went to flush, there was Toilet Spider, totally dead. His crunchy little spider corpse floating in a puddle of (I assume bleachy) water that sometimes leaks from the tank.

What did you see Toilet Spider? What horrible thing did you see that made you want to end it all? Please tell me it wasn't my bottom. Please tell me that it was just your time, but that you were happy to end your life on the positive note of my bottom.

Also let that be a warning to all other spiders; this bathroom is deadly. Nothing to see here. Move along.

GACK!

Spider Resurrections Take Scientists by Surprise.

Jibber, jib, gack. ERLK. And then I DIED of sheer horror. Thanks a lot, National Geographic.

Jim, please take note that the accepted ways to kill spiders include:
SQUISH.
SQUASH.
and
SMOOSH.

I find a Crank 2 promotional coaster in combination with pitiful whimpering and frightened leaping/ panicked flailing works fine for spider elimination.

Meep!

I'm a little obsessed with sea creatures. I also am scared of drowning, being stung, etc. etc. (You know, sea creaturey things.

There is video at io9 of a rare (and creepy) Magnapinna. I've never heard of such a thing, but it is a [terrifying] squid.

Vampire Moths.

Yea, you heard me.

National Geographic has a brief video on Russian Blood Sucking Moths, wrote local blogger before keeling over and dying of sheer horror.

Danger! Danger!

Yesterday someone Googled "feeding raccoons in Seattle illegal".

I have no idea if it is illegal, but holy crap is it seriously dangerous.

Googler: DO NOT FEED RACCOONS. THEY CARRY RABIES. THEY ROUTINELY EVISCERATE HOUSEHOLD PETS.

THEY WILL STEAL YOUR RUGS AND LEAVE YOU WITH COLD BARE FLOORS.


I just pray that I'm not too late.

Don't forget to defrost your dog BEFORE putting it in the oven

Exploding dog causes crematorium blaze

This reminds me of when we caught the garage on fire deep frying a turkey. I mean, I read somewhere that that can happen.

Alternate title: Nature Attacks from Beyond the Grave!

Squirrels are Gross

According to this article squirrels eat snake skin, then lick themselves with their snakey mouths to use the scent as camouflage.

BLEH!

In other scary news, I have the song Faith stuck in my head. Good times.

Link Dump

Deer wrestling ruins sofa.
Because Nature does not respect upholstery.

Accusations of drunken lemur-hood result in a pink slip.
People actually read Dilbert? Who knew?

Snakes in a tree.
What do you want? There is a Christmas tree and inside it there's a snake. This reminds me also of the Chip & Dale cartoon where Donald steels their tree and they plot their revenge.

"Coincidence" my foot!

Squirrels briefly kill power in 2 cities
Alternate title:
Coordinated attacks on our power grid successfully create widespread power outages.

Well, Nature, you win this round.

Via Jim.

I always feel like somebody's watching me!

And it isn't paranoia if it's true.

Here is a photo taken just minutes ago from my second story office window. They are nestled in the wisteria of the catwalk.
















No doubt my striped tailed stalkers realized they had been noticed and adopted Nature's age old trick, pretending to be asleep.
















I tell you that Nature is trying to stifle their opposition, starting first with public dissenters. My masked would-be assassins, 3 slumbering (or are they?!) raccoons are not the first.

Well, Nature, nice try. Just so you know, I sleep with one eye open and a loaded shotgun.

"Domesticated," my ass

Cows attack dog walker in field

Excerpt:
"Mr Poole said he managed to escape when his Golden Retriever, called Zak, fled, distracting the cows."

'Man's best friend'? More like 'Man's Jerky College Roommate!'

In case of Nature attack my best friend would jump into the fray and risk life and limb, not run away like a total coward, right Steve?!


Right?


Darn it.

Finally some news you can use.

How To Fight Monkeys
(There is an ex-boyfriend joke in there somewhere... I just need to find it.)
An instructional guide on how to protect yourself from the attacks of Nature's Favorite Poo Throwing Henchmen via Slate.

A Quiana created summary of the advice:

Advice the first:
"If you are holding a snack, throw it in their direction, and they'll stop bothering you."
This will also work with angry Quianas.

Advice the second:
"To diffuse the situation, don't make eye contact or smile with your teeth showing—in the nonhuman primate world, these are almost always signs of aggression."
This can also be true in the human dating world.

Advice the third:
"Form an "O" with your mouth, lean toward them with your body and head, and raise your eyebrows. "
This will also work in the human world.

Advice the fourth:
"Female victims might seek protection in a group of men, since monkeys are somewhat afraid of males."
Possibly because they leave the toilet seat up. Even monkeys don't like chilly surprises in the middle of the night.

Animal Noooz

First off, this is a baby beaver. Insert crude humor ___here___.

In other news:
Man puts puppy in pants and slips off
Exactly what it sounds like....

And in Nature Fear Mongering News:
Flaming squirrel ignites car in Bayonne
"The squirrel chewed through the wire, was set on fire, fell down directly to where the car was," Tony Millar said. "The squirrel, on fire, slid into the engine compartment and blew up the car."
Amusing Excerpt:
"The Millars' home is decorated for Halloween, complete with a tiny plastic tombstone on their front lawn. Tony Millar said the family will consider dedicating the tombstone to the squirrel, who was not named."

Ambush!

On Monday evening I drove over to my uncle's house to make robot team plans do something cool and when I arrived there was a murder of hundreds of crows perched around the house. In the street, in the yard, in the trees, in neighbor’s property, there were a LOT of crows; a screeching sharp-beaked blanket of filthy black feathers. Someone had tipped them off. I suspect my phone is tapped.

Naturally I pulled my car over far up the street content to bide my time and make a plan to get into the house.

I considered and discarded plans involving honking my horn, doing donuts in lawns, and calling the house to let the dogs out. I decided to pull into the driveway in order to force the crows to tip their hand. Some of the crows flew to the trees, but a few stubborn crows continued to wait for me in the lawn, sharpening their beaks and mocking me with their throaty caws.

Suddenly, no doubt using some sneaky secret crow signal they took to the air, perhaps to pester some small child or to feast from an open dumpster. I waited until the coast had cleared and skittered into the house, slamming the door shut behind me.

Nature: Defecating Everywhere

Apes Blamed For Crime Spree

I enjoy the hilariously accusatory title. I feel like the author is saying, 'Apes framed: who really climbed into that SUV and defecated all over?'

Hilarious end-note perhaps written by the fine folks at Hard Copy.
"Great fun, but it's the tourists who feed the baboons who are blamed for most of the problems. And the residents aren't laughing any more."

No, but I am.

Child abuse is hi-larious

No, seriously.

Click this link, I implore you. It makes me kind of want to have a child... so I can dress it up as a seal and take it to the polar bear exhibit at the zoo.


Although, now having watched it with the sound minutely on I notice that that is a grown woman. That spoils the whole damn thing.

I think Texas is mess'n with me.

Immediately after I expressed the thought that it might be nice to go visit folks in Texas the whole 200 yard spider web of Quiana's doom appeared and now bats are over taking entire dormitories. Would it be too self-involved to wonder if perhaps all those bats actually flew in to Texas from other places specificly to wait for me and went into the dorm because they needed a place to check Facebook until I got there?
No?
Good.

According to the article regarding the dorm infestation:

Videos posted on the Internet show students swinging a broom and a tennis racket as several bats fly about in a dormitory hallway at Texas Southern University.

I guess none of these students read my blog, otherwise they would know that a broom is an effective weapon against bats- even allegedly dead ones.

Quote which makes me concerned:

Health officials asked students who had been in Lanier Hall East to meet with them this week to determine whether any would need rabies vaccinations.

Too bad you need a rabies shot within 72 hours of infection or else you die. Yea guys, take care of that rabies thing at your leisure; this will work out *great.*

Uninformed

I missed World Rabies Day! Mark your calendars for next year, September 8!

And I wouldn't even know what I was missing if it weren't for Paul. Thanks, Paul.

busy busy busy

Hooray! Another link dump:

Interesting new bee theory
Blame Israel. This has proved to be an effective strategy for YEARS.

Leech invasion makes Japan residents see red
Details that you would rather not know about:
"Yamabiru will climb into people's socks and stay for about an hour, growing five to 10 times in size. Unlike with water leeches, people don't immediately realise they've been bitten. Only later when they see their blood-soaked feet, do they realise what has happened," said Shigekazu Tani, the institute's director.
You may file this under things that make me wish for death.

Cops cracking down on Craigslist prostitution.
Apparently they gave up on dealing with the ACTUAL problem. Street walkers on drugs and the men that get them hooked in the first place.

Popcorn Lung claims another victim
Proving that popcorn is not only disgusting, but also dangerous.

So are Cheetos.
BLECH!

Airline sacrifices goats to appease sky god
Whatever works, my friends, whatever works.