Gas. Brake. Gas. Gas. Brake. Gas. Brake. Brake HARD. GasBrake.

After listening to NPR today I was meditating on gas use. $3.16 a gallon in LA. $3 even here in Seattle. All this time I have been thinking I want a Prius. I don’t want a stinking Prius. I don’t want to go 2 miles per hour, gliding silently like a ghost with the hiccups. I want a train system. I want to walk a few blocks to a train station, swipe a card and get on. I want it to run from Everett to Olympia. I want to be able to go from my door to downtown Seattle in 15 minutes every damn day. I don’t want to park or pay to park. I don’t want to ever give another foreign cab driver directions. I just want to get on a train and go. I don’t give a damn if it is on ground, above ground, or below ground but I very strongly believe that I shouldn’t be stuck in traffic for 45 minutes to go the 15 miles to Lynnwood at 6 o’clock on a Sunday. If I need to buy one object out there in the world, I want to hike over to the station, wait for a train, and go. I don’t want to waste gas and time taking my car to go buy a $2 bottle of nutmeg.
I hate you Seattle and your unhelpful obsession with monorailing and unmonorailing.

Suckling at the teat of the interweb

The best thing I have ever read came up at random on Wikipedia today.
Seriously. Ok Ok, fine, when I read in the Washington Post that Dick Cheney shot a man in the face, that was the best thing ever.
But "S. A. Andrée's Arctic balloon expedition of 1897" was hilarious. If you're a bastard. Which I am.

Raaaaawwwwr….

Lately I’ve been frustrated with my dear friend Steve, because he just isn’t as attentive as he could be. I send an email and it may become sucked into some sort of electronic black hole. So I sent him a message he couldn’t ignore.
Netflix has this fascinating feature where you can add your friends to a list a send them suggestions, share ratings, and spy on their queues. It helpfully told me that my buddy Steve rated a few movies a bit differently than most people. For example, Short Circuit = 2 stars for everyone else, but 5 stars for Steve. It also shows you the reverse..... You would think that Netflix wouldn’t allow you to suggest a movie to someone who has already seen it and given it 1 star. But they do.
I hope you enjoy your suggested film!

Pretty Woman!

"Plot:" Looking for directions to his Beverly Hills hotel, millionaire corporate raider Edward Lewis (Richard Gere) crosses paths with Hollywood hooker Vivian Ward (Julia Roberts) and hires her as his "date" for a week. Vivian gets swept into a fantasy realm of room service and boutique shopping on Rodeo Drive, and what starts as a business contract turns into much more. Can the poor prostitute and rich industrialist live happily ever after?

Tagline: She walked off the street, into his life and stole his heart.
As opposed to regular prostitutes that steal your wallet but leave you with The Syph.

Actual Reviews from Netflix Users:
“Aaaaw, nothing says Love like a hooker trying to bag a rich guy... which, I assume, is why Ebert found this flick so sweet: he empathizes. Dude, retire and take Roberts with you.”

“This is a great first date movie fellas, by which of course I mean great to gauge your date's reaction. If your girl thinks that a prostitute ceases to be a prostitute after a makeover, and that refusing to kiss despite a willingness to fellate for money is somehow redeeming and intensely romantic, then you can go right on ahead and hit the ejector seat. Or you can pay her, promise her a makeover NEXT time and get out of the car. Just don't smooch her on the mouth, lest you insult her sense of morality.”

“I've always loved this movie, and after seeing the 10th Anniversary edition of the DVD - and watching all the extra bonus footage [I presume this bonus footage wasn’t of Julia Robets fellating truckers and taking it in the butt], I really love it more now. Who cares if it's all about something that normally doesn't happen in everyday life [Really? You’re shitting me.]. It was still a great "fantasy" to watch. [Yes, a great fantasy of mine is to peddle my orifices for money in the hopes that a man 20 years older than me will pity me and buy me ludicrous hats.] A woman who didn't really enjoy her job and wanted to change herself, and got to thanks to people who could really help her - and not her drug-addicted friend in the movie. [Because drug addicted hookers are stupid and useless, not like perky hookers and rich men. Stay off drugs-- but on your knees, kids!!!!]"

“What woman wouldn't love this fairy tale? I'm not a big Richard Gere fan, but this movie made me like him. [Oh golly, what woman doesn’t enjoy being shown that if she’s lucky someone will swoop in and have her suck cock for free for the rest of her life!]"

“Well done and tasteful [there were far fewer scenes of Julia Roberts shooting up or crying in the shower than there could have been] but still very funny [Still funny? Would shooting up scenes made it funnier? Actually, yes.] . Makes you feel like it could be you. [If I were a prostitute.]"

“There is nothing much to say about this movie...... if you still believe in disney's 'wish upon a star' just rent this movie and you see that dreams can come true - it's just one of this 'feel good' movies that's made once in a while. [I totally remember that part, you know, where Pinocchio is peddling his wooden ass on the street, but then Jiminy Cricket picks him up and makes him a real boy, I mean Man, I mean... wait what? Oh no, I was wrong that was from the Silly Symphony where Minnie is walking the street for cheese and takes up with Mickey even though EVERYBODY in Hollywood knows he’s gay. ]"

Anticccciiiiiiipation

According to wwtdd.com:
J.J. Abrams directs Star Trek movie - J.J. Abrams, the creator of 'Lost' and 'Alias' and the director of 'Mission Impossible III', was announced today to produce and direct the next 'Star Trek' movie for a release in 2008. It will be written by Abrams and his partners, and focus on the early days of James T. Kirk and Mr. Spock, including their first meeting at Starfleet Academy and first mission. With Abrams at the helm, this should fulfill every fan boys dream, as long as their dream was to have a 'Star Trek' movie that's brilliant for about an hour and then rambling and unfocused and boring. Yea!

Actually this is exciting news coming out in time for: the 40th Aniversity of Star Trek (first aired on September 8, 1966). The big celebration is here in Seattle this year. I'm kind of tempted to go, but it is WAY too expensive! I was raised on STTNG.











Actually this part was quite touching, you remember, when Wesley Crusher graduated from the Academy and got his own uniform and everything! There was all that hugging, and crying, and kissing the TV....


Or maybe that was just me.

Maybe I should volunteer. That might be fun.

Let me know if you want to join.

Anyone?

Hellooooooo? Where is everyone?

Ok, Ok, Ok,

Fine, I admit yesterday’s entry was not entirely fair, but it just burns my buttons. Sure the Hotel Rwanda character Rusesabagina was a probably a greater man than the real Rusesabagina, but one of the articles I read went on at length about how he “didn’t really want to help” or “didn’t do enough.” Nobody “wants” to endanger themselves or their families for the sake of others. Part of sacrifice is to fight against what you want to do. He didn’t have to take in all those people. But he did. I believe that risking your life and future livelihood for a couple thousand strangers is a lot. I don’t know what “enough” would be.
In a country where neighbors, co-workers, church brothers, and strangers slaughtered each other to broadcast music chanting ‘kill them, kill them, kill them’ saving even one person is “enough.” Hell, not chopping people up with a machete is probably a big step in the right direction.
Nobody in Rwanda could have stopped what happened at that point, but a few million people in America, Canada, or Europe could have. Making these movies may remind some of us that real people (not dark savages) are fighting and dieing and we can stop it, even though we don't have to.
I don't want to be the world police and it makes me frustrated that the world treats the US like their cousin who won the lottery; but in 1994 I was surfing in Hawaii, not being raped and slaughtered in the street.

Dear Rwanda,

Get a clue. America does not care about you. They didn’t care in 1994 and they are only marginally interested now because of the score of films that have been created. I’m terribly sorry that these fictional films are not accurate. Perhaps you think we should go back to the not giving a shit?
Quit complaining. This is bringing more attention to the plight of Africa. Attention and money. Which I am sure you are not turning down.
I’m sorry about what happened. All of it, Germany, Belgium and everything after. I really really am. I’m sorry for what happened in Liberia, and Nicaragua, and America, and Afghanistan too.
I’m sorry our movies cannot perfectly please everyone. I’m sorry that America doesn’t fly around like Superman to right injustices.
But I’m really sorry that you are so shortsighted. Either get up on your own two feet and walk, or let the Americans come and film their movies and send you their shame money.
If you want to help Sudan and Chad, shut your mouths. We don’t owe you shit.

In other Devo news...

New (and HORRID) T-shirt design available:










Thank you interweb!

Purdy Pictures

Every time I go to a museum there seems to be one piece that just hangs with me. I find myself thinking about them years later. Invariably nobody else likes them, but I think I'll share two with you anyway.

The first is called Sine Cerere et Libero friget Venus or Without Ceres and Bacchus, Venus Would Freeze. It was painted between 1600 and 1603 by a Dutch man named Hendrick Goltzius. It is ink and oil- a very rare medium. It has the effect of an old book lithograph with actual fire coming from the canvas. It is warm and amazing. I first saw the painting on a date at the Philadelphia Museum of Art.



















The next is a self portrait by Degas. Degas (I'm sure you know) is most famous for oils and pastels of dancers. He also created amazing sculptures of dancers. I saw this small self portrait tucked away in a corner of the Getty Museum. It seems lifelike and I can't trace his expression. I love oil paintings.

I've had it up to here with you, Switzerland!

What's wrong Switzerland, no wars to abstain from? Lost your economic advantage?
You think you're soooooo cool; "we're neutral, above all your petty cares." You're not Quakers, you're pussies!
Well, have fun being the country where criminals hold their money. Good for you, very neutral. When Charles Taylor goes to jail, does his wife get the money? Or do you get a new pair of sneaks?
Now you are offering European woman a place to go oggle Swiss Wussy-boys while their husbands are busy watching football. I don't think it is nice to steal other nation's wives. And I know this sounds crazy, but many women all over the world love football and will be avidly following World Cup. Women like sports too... all those tight buns, I mean excellent uhm... goals... and stuff.
Shame on you Switzerland for.... hurrrr hurrrr hurrrr......















Uhm.... I've always wanted to go to Switzerland.

Poca-stinken-hontas

She gets her own movie and licensed plushes, but let’s discuss Pocahontas for just a minute. (Yes, Burke this is a slight departure from my Sacagawea diatribe but do bear with me.)

In 1607 John Smith set sail with a group of around 200 British sailors, settlers, and gentlemen on a race to beat Spain to settle North America. The men arrived poorly provisioned and in the command of inexperienced gentlemen, who funded the venture and were there to pan for gold in Chesapeake Bay. (Hint: there is NO gold in Chesapeake Bay.) They chose a location on an outcropping into where the James River met the bay and they named their settlement Jamestown.

Meanwhile Powhatan, the local Indian chieftan (Pocahontas’ dad) had heard a disturbing “premonition” from his medicine man. The man predicted that a great devil was mounting up to destroy his people and that the first attacks were coming soon. Powhatan who had enemy nations in the area poised his 1300 clansmen for battle.

A combination of disease (possibly the plague), famine, salt-polluted water, Spanish spies and Indian attack had resulted in rapid death in Jamestown. Within 4-6 months no gold was found and there were approximately 50 men (mostly) alive.

Finally John Smith decided to throw himself upon the mercy of the Indians. He approached them asking for food. Powhatan was very much leaning towards just killing them all. However, John Smith had brought glass beads for trade, and as it turns out Pocahontas had an eye for the shinies. Powhatan seeing Pocahontas’ interest in the beads considered what that could represent to the people and agreed to help John Smith out.

Of course later the Jamestown settlers kidnapped Pocahontas, baptized her, taught her English, renamed her Rebecca, and married her off to a white guy (even though she was already married). Not content to live only a portion of the future of the Native American People in 10 short years, Pocahontas took it upon herself to go to England in order to find the pox-filled blankets that the Jamestown settlers had neglected to bring and promptly died of TB or small pox at age 21(ish).

On the down side Pocahontas played her small part in creating a world where Kevin Federline can produce his own CD

(illegally sampling She Blinded Me with Science); on the up-side, she got a nice sneak-peak at what was coming.

My frustration erm... ripens.

This was how I felt this morning on my way to work.

And this is how work made me feel.

Grumble snort.

Now I'm hungry and I can't eat my snack because it keeps LOOKING at me.

Wilson? Willlllsooooooooooon.

C.V. Victor von Doom

I was random articling Wikipedia today and came across Latveria. When I clicked over to Victor von Doom's wikipedia page I realized how hilarious it is to read a biography of a made up person.

Goals: "Doctor Doom is driven by three principal objectives: the destruction of Reed Richards, world domination, and the liberation of his mother's soul from the demon Mephisto's realm. "
Doctor Doom also enjoys pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain. He's not much into yoga, but he is into champagne.

"Dr. Doom's iron-clad face is instantly recognizable to most of the world's population, a fact attributable to his infamous, high-tech, nuclear powered, computer assisted battle suit. Doom's first (and truly "original") set of armor was magically forged at a hidden monastery in the high mountains of Tibet; since then, his dark plated armor has been enhanced and repaired by normal technological means. "
Ah yes, world domination via Tibetan monk magic.

"Being the leader of a sovereign nation, Doctor Doom enjoys the grace of diplomatic immunity while in America during the few times he is there for non-pernicious, political actions and diplomacy. He has even been accompanied and escorted by Captain America himself."
I can see it now, "Well President von Doom, last time you were in New York you took the city over with mosquito nanno-bots, but since you're here for the Middle East Peace Summit, have at it!

"In 2003, Doom realized he was unnecessarily limiting himself by focusing on technology, and only occasionally his magical birthright. He sold his childhood sweetheart's soul to a trio of demons in exchange for unlimited magical ability and new leather armour made of her skin. "
Yes, naturally, armor made of skin. Fantastic. Technology is on its way out, it's all magic starting now! I should get me some of that skin-armor stuff. Macy's, they've got everything, right?











Uhm this was an available option for "victor von doom" according to Google Images, so live with it.

Submit unto me...

your 'blankier thans'.
You know "drunker than a..." "crazier than a..." etc.
Here's the one on my mind presently:
Crazier than a mule on a Ferris Wheel.
Surely you guys can do better. Enlist a Texan if you must, but send me your 'blankier thans.'
Incidentally, this is a mule on a Ferris Wheel. A GIANT mule.

I knew it!

They were always after me french bread pizza!

What can I say, I guess I'm just a problem solver.

I've solved, the immigration, Medicaid, Social Security and Medicare issues. The solution is called De-immigration. Kids, you can all go back to school tomorrow.
Don't you see, it's brilliant, we take anyone with sustained unemployment and we give them six months to get and hold down a job, any job, or we deport them to one of many countries (like Romania) that is suffering from major depopulation issues. Many of these countries need "workers" and compared to the locals, these people may be highly educated. How about people who committed felonies? Three felonies= "welcome to Mexico." Rapists, murderers? Treat America like the pound; when we're all full up, put the undesirables down to make room for useful immigrants.
Everyone applying for Medicare/Medicaid/Social Security will have all earned the right to the money. And now with all the spare space we could poach the hardest workers and best minds of other countries.
I recommend that we cherry-pick Cuba first. One, Cuban men are hot. Two, think of major league ball!

















Incidentally, I'm glad all these highschool kids are protesting. Too bad nobody gives a shit since they can't vote. (And like most young people in America won't vote even when they have the right.) Beyond that, it's just nice to see kids using MySpace for things besides jailbaiting.
PS- Less marching more writing. You don't want to look like these idiots.

Heroes in a half-shell; moron power!

Gotcha!

As I write Charles Taylor is being shipped to Sierra Leone for trial. The authorities caught him attempting to flee to Cameroon.
I’m all excited to see a little law and order executed in Africa. Maybe a real trial with real results will show other would be terror brokers that Africa will not lie down and take it. Though the thought that is niggling at the back of my mind is that had he gotten across the border, surely someone there would have helped him and there would have been another round of extradition pressures. Who are these people who are not afraid to openly say “I am harboring a man with 17 counts of war crimes and crimes against humanity.” Where is the shame?
Furthermore, I am absolutely astounded that Taylor didn’t try to sneak back into Liberia and raise what remains of his power base for one last hurrah. Maybe like Hitler in the bunker, Taylor finally saw the writing on the wall.
Let’s cross our fingers that Taylor will get a fair and thorough trial. I’ll be watching this trial with baited breath, too bad I’ll only see clips of it on BBC World News. Still, quite exciting though. Of course these international tribunals against war crimes don’t allow the death penalty. What a pity. My opposition to the death penalty is that even innocent people will confess to a crime they did not commit on occasion. However the weight of obvious evidence in this case leaves me with the overwhelming thought that Charles Taylor doesn’t deserve another nanosecond on my beautiful world.

I'm on tap of the world.

Dear Happy Tappers,

I am so glad that you have found a place to practice your antiquated niche dancing. It’s so refreshing to hear you clacking along in unison like sprightly homosexual members of the SS.

I love how you flood into my neighborhood like cute little locusts in your SUV’s. I love how you drive the wrong way down my one-way street. I especially enjoy how you park, right in the middle of two parallel spaces, three feet from the curb.

Last night I was surprised to hear that I lived in a “bad neighborhood.” I’m glad that you, Jeep Grand Cherokee lady (2 feet from the curb) were polite enough to lower your voice as I carried my SIX grocery bags 2 blocks back to my apartment past your Jeep parked in front of my door. Yes, you’re right I do look a little like the “bad elements” you were referring to and God knows that folks who shop at Whole Foods are just a wee bit too close to the edge. I’m sure you were referring to Juan, the waiter at the Mexican restaurant next door, who is surely a rough character. There he was, in his crisp white shirt smoking on the curb on his 10 minute break. He’s from Ballard you know, I’ve heard bad things about those Ballardians. Anyway, it was super sweet of you to drive your friend the one block to her car. Although since I just passed that way I could’ve just told you there was nobody else there.

Oh well.

Anywho, love the legwarmers! I guess I will see you next week.

Love,

Your Neighbor

Hey! Good news everybody!!

There are 33 murders a DAY in Baghdad. Or maybe there aren't. Hmm... seems like a lot of controversy. Perhaps with no law and order and no infrastructure it might be hard to tell what the number really is. We know that the Washington Post counted 100,000 civilian deaths as of October... but those could have been regular civilian casualties and not murders. (See shake and bake. Damn I forgot I was pissed about that.)

Luckily Donald Rumsfeld is clearing this whole thing up for us: "You've got to remember that if Washington, D.C., were the size of Baghdad, we would be having something like 215 murders a month." AWESOME.

This is totally comparablele to 990 a month (if you don't know how to count.)

On the other other line of thought. If we had no cops and ample machine guns America would be populated by two fat white guys from Montana named Bob.

Incidentally, property values must have just plummeted in DC. Thanks Rummy!!!

I smell burning pants....

So here are we are, back at Charles Taylor. In the last episode Charles was spending the millions he liberated from Liberia and Sierra Leone while in blissful Nigeria. Now apparently Nigeria is willing to give him up to Liberia, Liberia wants to send him to Sierra Leone for trial and mysteriously Nigeria isn't erm exactly sure where they put him. My guess: Brazil.

Can I just spaz a wee bit more about this? Thanks. 17 counts of war crimes and crimes against humanity and since 2003 he was sitting by a pool drinking booze out of glasses garnished umbrellas, and now they lost him. The article I read this morning, which brought me back to this issue was entitled: "Liberia, Nigeria at odds over Taylor custody."
2 points:
#1: "at odds," you think? I love it when my neighbors harbor war criminals who illegally ruled my nation and stole my nations wealth in a zesty campaign of "civil war" and random killings. Don't you?
#2: "Taylor custody?" What custody? Oh gosh erm, Chuck's around here some where. Uhm, let's see, maybe he's in the yellow pages under ruthless dictator. I feel suspicious that Nigeria is finally bending to the will of the west in such an orderly fashion....

Oh, I’m sorry, have we met?

Today I was perusing Best of Craigslist, looking for luscious humorousness. Instead I found another exciting diatribe about how straight people ruin the lives of gay people.

Let me say this once.

I’M NOT SORRY.

I’m not sorry I’m white (which, might I mention I’m not)

I’m not sorry I’m straight

I’m not sorry I’m Christian

I’m not sorry I’m privileged (would this be a good time to mention that I grew up in a trailer?)

I didn’t enslave anyone, least of all anyone’s ancestors
I have never beat up a gay person or any other person
I have never voted to remove the rights to marry or adopt or abort
I have never told anyone they are going to hell

I don’t care who you marry, who you screw, or where or if you go to church. I don’t care what race you are or where you went to school or how much money you make.

So don’t you dare accuse me of anything. I’m tired of being the scapegoat for all your problems. I’m tired of being your enemy. I’m tired of people trying to make me feel guilty for things that I have never done.

Keep your bigotry to yourself, I don’t have the time or inclination to bolster your martyr-complex.