Seattle Umbrella Conspiracy

Going public.

2011-07-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering tidying this blog up. Deleting any posts that might not be something I want associated with my name. Maybe deleting any posts that just aren't up to snuff (I realize that there will be many).

I feel like anonymous blogging is great and don't plan to publicize my full name, but it seems unwise to have anything poorly written or controversial out there floating around. Certainly not with the way technology is changing. Is it only a matter of time before my name comes fully up in the blog somehow?

On the other hand, the blog is a fascinating time capsule. Furthermore, maybe there is a space on Google+/Facebook where I can move the good stuff AND the poop jokes; someplace where I can better choose who reads my unrestricted thoughts, and the blog can be a public place.

Thoughts, anyone?

Things scarier than rats are lurking.

2011-07-11T17:20:00.000-07:00

New shoes:

So, can I just mention that I was downtown a few weeks ago and stepped on a used needle? Sorry, it squicks me out too. Didn't get into my shoe, but I was well freaked out. This makes the second used needle I've stepped on, so far.

There is no reason to bring this up, other than the fact that it flits into my mind more than I anticipated it would and I just find it so disturbing. And depressing. What are we supposed to do about this kind of drug use in our society? I have no idea.

Watch where you walk, friends.

Cars 2 Was Too Good For You

2011-06-30T17:25:00.000-07:00

Last night Muffin took me to see Cars 2 in 2D and it was utterly charming.

There has been a lot of bad press for this movie, but I found it thoroughly entertaining and visually stunning. While the Blue Collar Comedy Tour and slapstick comedy stuff doesn't do much for me, the story was sweet and the characters endearing and funny.

I think this movie has such poor reviews because people expect a certain amount of schlocky sentimentality from Pixar. Pixar movies almost always make me cry. When Steve and I saw Up we were blubbering like giant babies in the first 5 minutes, but all around us children sat in unmoved silence. Most of them have never loved someone only to lose them. They haven't made enough decisions to understand regret. It was the adults in the theater that wept in understanding of an old man's pain.

At the heart of it, the real reason critics object to Cars is that Pixar took the time to make a children's movie for children instead of making an adult's movie that is safe for children (TWICE, HARUMPH). I watch a lot of kid's movies and the Cars movies are among the best of those kid's movies that are truly intended for kids.

In Cars 2 we follow Tow Mater, by far the Cars character most beloved by children. Sure kids like his off-color jokes, but who would you rather love: the self-centered race car that always wins, or his stalwart friend who bumbles through life with a sunny outlook and tremendous honesty and kindness. Who among us prefers Frodo to Sam? Nobody. Tow Mater is the heart of Cars.

Furthermore, kids get Mater. They've been the butt of jokes. They've made mistakes and felt embarrassed. Tow Mater is the fat kid in class, and in Cars 2 Tow Mater gets the girl. Tow Mater saves the day. Tow Mater solves the mystery. Like Goonies and Monster Squad, Can't Buy Me Love and 16 Candles, in Cars 2 the dorks win.

There's nothing Americans love better than the little guy winning. We love to root for the underdog, so why is it that America's film critics can't love Tow Mater?

Because they couldn't see the greatness inside him either. America's critics underestimate Cars 2, in exactly the same way the characters in the movie underestimate Tow Mater. Maybe they should watch Cars 2 again because they simply didn't get it, unlike countless children.

Can't help myself.

2011-06-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

Mind boggled by Sir Richard Branson, as usual.

2011-04-06T17:36:00.000-07:00

My brain has just drained out my ears. My favorite quirky billionaire adventurer is at it again.

Today Virign Oceanic launched, and SRB and friends will be diving to the bottom of the lowest points of the ocean(s) to explore and map what they can.

ZOMG.

I've been feeling sad about the space program in the US and how inspiring human exploration can be and what it means to a culture to lose that. And now here is a new point of exploration. I do wonder what it means when private sources fund scientific exploration. I understand that this has generally been how this is done for the majority of human development; but, something in me thinks that everyone benefits from this type of exploratory science and isn't that something worth governmental funding?

Beyond being excited, I'm just so... pleased. Sir Richard, I would bake you a cake if I could. And I'd even try to keep my hands to myself while you snacked.

Read more at Virgin Oceanic. Seriously, you should.

Uh.... I...

2011-04-05T17:54:00.000-07:00

Well, you watch this and tell me:

Congratulations! You're totally not dead, yet!

2011-03-31T11:33:00.000-07:00

One of the best, kindest, funnest (funnest is grammatically correct- I just looked it up) people I've ever known is celebrating her birthday today.

Happy birthday, Angie!

Angie has the biggest heart of anyone I know, and even though I may have called her a jerkopotamus for having lost a bunch of weight and looking all sassy, she is a total awesomesaurus and deserving of the best birthday ever.

Angie faces everything in her life, good or bad, with serenity and dignity.

Angie is loyal to a fault. And really her worst quality is how profoundly kind she is.

Angie is always looking for the next opportunity to do better, be better, be happier, and have fun.

The best decision I've made in quite a while was to work out a few days a week with Angie. I'm sure the cardio is great for my health, but the opportunity to monopolize Angie for an hour several days a week is incomparable.

She an amazing partner in crime. And I care for her deeply.

If there is some reward for being wonderful, surely she will receive two.

Angie, you're the best and we all love you. Happy happy happy birthday!

What have I been up to?

2011-03-27T20:15:00.000-07:00

Mac and cheese:

And working late.
Which is not as good as homemade mac and cheese with my family, but I think is also nourishing in its own way.

Things I've also been doing:

working at Emerald City Comicon
writing short fiction
helping my friends bring great books to the marketplace
scraping together as much time as possible for Muffin, for my friends, and for my family

Watch Out! It's only a matter of time.

2011-03-27T20:13:00.000-07:00

Bad blog post fodder

2011-02-21T22:18:00.000-08:00

Look what Muffin got me (ie, gosh, look at how great my life is):

No, not the awesome napkin holder. That I got by complimenting an distant elderly relation on her napkin holder only to be sent home with it. Don't judge, I tried to refuse it, but when she got two more identical ones out of the pantry, my arguments all dried up.

Muffin got me the flowers. And some Fran's salted caramels. And a cookbook. And a Gourmet Walking Tour of Seattle. We started at Andaluca with a duck cake, and my brain exploded. Now all Muffin wants to eat is duck cakes.

We stopped at a number of places and I finally get what the big deal is with truffles. Check out Savor Seattle Tours if you are in Seattle and like food.

But a good blog post isn't about swanky gifts or how awesome one's boyfriend is. Unfortunately for you, this will not be the best blog post, probably not a good one.

Lately things have been up and down. We had a great trip to Vegas (more on that soon), but I also had a sinus infection that led me to be a crazy person crying in utter despair in front of the CVS on The Strip, which is probably not too unusual, now that I think of it. When we returned, I was happy to come in to the office and get down to business, but I had a week of work waiting and bad news there.

I've watched Theo, my cubical mate's dog for two months a year for seven years. He was a beloved pet and educator. Sadly, on Wednesday, Theo was put down at a pretty amazing twelve years old. He had been having a lot of health problems and while I knew it was coming, I didn't realize how hard it would be. It is too hard to love anything that is so quickly taken from you.

He was a good dog. I miss him a lot.

I guess I'm just feeling helpless. Maybe that is silly and self-indulgent, maybe it's hormones. All I can say is that I feel like I'm riding an untrustworthy roller coaster.

Intellectually, I know that I have a great life and nothing to complain about, but Theo's situation has thrown me into a deep funk. I also know I have an anxiety disorder, and it is very easy to allow myself to wallow and get carried away with myself.

So think of this crap post this way: I need to remind myself how charmed my life is, how loved I am, and how interesting and entertaining the world is. Because really, isn't blogging all about me? Isn't this one big ego trip?

So, I got flowers, and duck cakes, and, yes, my roommate and I did buy a chocolate cake and eat it in our jammies and it was great. Because things are great, and it isn't that hard to convince myself. Even if it feels a little difficult now.

One of those days.

2011-02-19T22:06:00.000-08:00

10 pm is a perfectly fine time to buy an entire 3-layer chocolate torte, right?

Then eat a HUGE piece? I'm gonna go with yes.

Ah-hah!

2011-02-17T21:39:00.000-08:00

On Valentine's Day a rat was lying in wait next to where I park my car at Muffin's and though through my vigilance I avoided his attack, he did manage to get the back door of the car open just enough to let rain in that night.

True story.

For reals.

I pulled up and as I sat in my car sending a text to Muffin to come down and let me in, a massive rat ran through the bushes and stopped RIGHT next to my back door. I girded my self and counted to 3... a few times, then leaped out of the car, grabbed my crock pot and Muffin's gifts, kicked the door shut and hoofed it!

The next morning my door was not entirely shut and the storm that night brought quite a bit of rain into my car. Clearly the rat was casing the joint and made his move when I was out of sight. Perhaps nibbling a hole in my break line. Or maybe he just wants my car to have mildew funk. Who knows what terrible plots rats have? I've seen The Secret of NIMH.

So there you have it, proof that rats are creeping out of the toilets and reading my blog.

Comeuppance is a B-word

2011-01-31T21:48:00.000-08:00

When my cousin Sean was little he used to "miss the target" and I quickly tired of unexpectedly soggy socks and buns in the bathroom. So I told him that there was a potty monster and he liked a tidy potty, so if you made a mess, the potty monster would drag you into the toilet and eat you like a cheeto.

Of course, while achieving the desired effect of a dry potty environment, there were some undesirable side-effects involving nightmares, fear of night-time potty use, and the like. (Hey, cut me some slack, I was a teenager and this is the son man who told 5 year old footie-jammied me that he thought Santa was a burglar and shot him.)

But now Sean isn't the only one scared of the potty. The potty monster is real and lurking in the bowl with his 4 closest friends, according to the world's laziest image from the Seattle Dept. of Public Health website.

I've long been aware that Seattle has a rat problem (though not on the scale of Philly, New York, or Tokyo) and I'd also heard that rats could come up toilets, but I was not aware that Seattle has been tracking the horrifying scourge of toilet rats. For "fun" you can check the map of "Rat in the Toilet Complaints" to see if rats have sprang forth from toilets in your neighborhood.

Luckily the authorities have some advice:

Stay calm?! That's easy for them to say; it's not like a rat tried to touch their hiney with its greasy little rat hands!

I liked Ratatouille as much as the next girl, but GACK!

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'll be turning the lights on the next time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

3D Controversy

2011-01-26T11:00:00.000-08:00

Roger Ebert wrote a controversial article about 3D, and I'm seeing a lot of things written about it, so, as a person who sees a lot (A LOT) of movies, I'll weigh in:

RE: 3D distracts from most movies
Q: When done poorly.

RE: Makes people nauseated/causes headaches
Q: Yes, but coupled with Dramamine, it's often ok.

RE: It is designed to force theaters and ticket buyers to spend additional money.
Q: Bastards.

RE: It makes the film literally darker.
Q: I have heard this, but not noticed it as most 3D seems to be set in dark locales. I assume on purpose.

RE: It limits directors.
Q: So says Chris Nolan. So, I'm inclined to agree, being that he actually films films.

RE: It adds nothing "essential" to the movie-going experience.
Q: Not true in every case. I saw a IMAX 3D film about Hubble (Hubble in 3D- returning to PacSci soon), and it was so amazing in 3D that I cried (literally). I doubt a 2D film would have elicited that response. But I did not feel it added most other films I've seen in 3D, for example, Megamind.

RE: It's a gimmick created by Hollywood to lure us into theaters and compete with ever better home viewing experiences.
Q: Yes.

RE: No serious drama could use it well.
Q: Probably not.

I do have a major objection to 3D. And it is NOT that it isn't used well, makes me hurl, and costs more money; all for no story related purpose (most of the time). It is that my eyes readjust more and more quickly with every 3D movie I see.

The first of the new wave of the 3D films I saw was Coraline- and it was 3D the whole time. Nauseating, headache inducing, but excellently utilized, 3D. I watched nearly the entirety of Avatar without my eyes readjusting (though I did get a headache- even with dramamine).

But now, I couldn't get halfway through Megamind without my eyes readjusting. High cost and physical discomfort drive me away from the desire to see anything in 3D. The only reason I see movies in 3D is so that my friends, who obviously don't have as gifted eyes, can go in 3D. And that scarcely seems worth it.

Films that make too much use of 3D, at the expense of better filmaking, look dreadful in 2D; Clash of the Titans, for example. It makes people lazy, and if I pay extra for 3D, I want to see it in 3D. Not in sea-sick, headachey, sloppily made, expensive 2D.

Probably not going to die yet...

2011-01-21T10:00:00.000-08:00

just FYI.

Apparently the horrible occasional pain is likely some kind of muscle spasm. Probably in my esophagus.

So that's fun.

In other news, someone explain why I can't have Jimmy John's everyday.

I think this is a great idea. Maybe I should run this idea by my esophagus first.

I'm a Ramblin' [Wo]Man

2011-01-19T09:00:00.000-08:00

MySpace, it's not me, it's you.
So, did you guys also get a pathetic email from MySpace begging for you to come back? Did it squick you out when it said: "The new Myspace provides the best social entertainment experience on Earth. For serious."

Really "new" MySpace, "for serious"? Blech.

Also, you want me to "connect with new like-minded friends. Are you calling me a sex worker? Because as near as I can tell MySpace is entirely populated with porn-stars, escorts, foreign ladies looking for love, and random dudes (dude bots?) who think I'm "hawt" and we should "get together, girl".

Thanks, but no.

My spleen may explode, but maybe not
So occasionally when I'm eating, or just sitting there, minding my own business I will get this intense stabby pain under my ribcage on the left hand side. Since it was only occasional pain, I did nothing about it. Now I've been notified that it could be my spleen, or shingles (which I had before and don't remember much of other than pain pain pain), or maybe syphilis (Muffin would have some 'splaining to do) so I should just go to the doctor. So I am and I will update you on whether or not I may die soonish so you can keep your RSS stuff in order.

Is clumsiness a symptom of horrible disease? Just checking....
Today I tripped over my own feet, ran into a chair, spilled granola all over my desk, and got a paper cut. Maybe I should have stayed in bed?

I am officially an enormous girl
My friend Czabrina learned that wearing an eyemask while you sleep really improves the length and quality of sleep, so she made an eye mask for me for Christmas. It is awesome. I'm sleeping very well. If my mood is better, it is definitely the eye mask. And now I feel like a diva, in a good way.

In other enormous girl news
Angie and I are having a new fitness initiative that we've named Big Ass to Bad Ass. Of course my ultimate goal is to be able to be able to best Muffin in hand to hand combat, but being able to open jars, climb lots of stairs, and look hot in a swimsuit are also secondary goals. Tonight we weigh in, calculate body fat, count pushups and crunches, and measure circumferences. *Gulp*

Then for 3 months we will work like crazy! We plan to do a little hiking, a little dancing, and a lot of gym time. We both plan to start counting calories again. I hope to be pretty buff by Spring, so you'd better watch your back, Muffin.

Frolic Frolic Frolic

2011-01-12T14:25:00.001-08:00

The Roommy and I made sure to run around outside last night; we just couldn't let the kids enjoy pristine snow.

Too bad you are kids and have to go to bed early! We can stay up late and watch Walking Dead on our Tivo and then hop around in the snow!!

Downton Abbey Update for Boring Smart People

2011-01-11T12:00:00.000-08:00

My friend Beau notified me that Downton Abbey, in its proper original format, is available on DVD right now at Amazon. And will be available on Netflix on 1/25.

The blu-ray will come out in April.

Happy viewing!

PS- PBS can still suck it. Maybe to draw in more American viewers they should have called Sherlock:
"Like the mouse in the Great Mouse Detective, but in modern London, and without Ratigan and also not a mouse."
"Weird guy solves mysteries by being very smart."

You don't always have a choice when it comes to your motto.

2011-01-09T22:47:00.000-08:00

Or, "I am what I am."

The great thing about being home and spending time doing things alone, or with just my roommy or Muffin, is the amount of introspection this allows.

On New Year's Day Muffin and I had dinner with an old friend of his who recounted a story about me. On a night out drinking with a large group, Muffin and I detoured to 7-11 before following the others to the condo to post-funk. My eventual entry to the condo was described thus:

"Fuck y'all, I've got a Slurpee."

At the time I objected stating I said no such thing and, furthermore, there is nothing wrong with a good late night Slurpee and given the proximity of the 7-11, this was not totally crazy.

It was pointed out to me that it was December and below freezing; also I was eating beef jerky from the beef jerky bin. He clarified that there was an air of such casualness and coupled with such great enjoyment and utter disregard to norms, that "Fuck y'all, I've got a Slurpee" was wafting off me.

I didn't understand how weather or norms related to Slurpees, or the sweet perfection of salty chewy beef jerky softened and chilled by a sugary slurry of semisolid "cherry" beverage.

After thought, I realize that this is essential to my character. I don't allow things like the relative distance between my self and the sun, or the unsanitary nature of open jerky barrels hold me back from what I want.

In the same way that I sewed a large rubber lobster squeaky lobster on my backpack in high school, I do whatever I want and simply don't care.

So you know what? Screw it. As personal mottoes go, it isn't classy, but it is absolutely accurate.

Fuck y'all, I've got a Slurpee.

Yes, this is me, with a limited edition Iron Man Slurpee, grilling in the snow while wearing a 600 pollyfill coat and Batman gloves.

Dear Ms. Eaton,

2011-01-07T06:00:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty irked by the news that you felt the need to cut the apparently amazing BBC series Downton Abbey in order to make it easier American PBS audiences understand.

"We thought there might be too many references to the entail and they have been cut. It is not a concept people in the US are very familiar with." [said Rebecca Eaton, Executive Producer at PBS, who obviously thinks very little of me].

"American audiences are used to a different speed when it comes to television drama and you need to get into a story very quickly. We also wanted to get to the point where Matthew Crawley arrives on the scene much faster than in the British version. He is a pivotal character and his arrival brings with it drama and conflict. In the British version he doesn't arrive until episode two. In our version he is there in episode one." (From the Daily Telegraph, which I read, in spite of Ms. Eaton's misgivings about my metal abilities and attention span.)

It's true, class struggle oriented, period costume dramas with slow building and complex plot lines aren't too typical in the States, but, Ms. Eaton, you give us too little credit. If one replaces period costume with ripped button-downs and cutoffs and you may find LOST.

Furthermore, what person with a vagina in America has not read or watched Pride & Prejudice? I'm pretty sure anyone who has is at least passingly familiar with the concept of entailment.

And, not to be a dick, but for every random viewer you draw in with Prime Suspect or the fascinating modernized Sherlock and attempt to retain through Little Dorrit, there are 40 viewers there to watch Little Dorrit, but stick around for more titillating shows because they are smart and quite possibly boring people. These are your target audience. Smart and boring people who would rather eat their own faces than watch the eleventy millionth season of The Bachelorette. People who still read books. People who either know what entailment is or can pause the Tivo and Google it.

Why are you pandering and talking down to an America, which if it does require simple television, does so because it has been condescended to so long by people like yourself? Give us the opportunity to decide what is too challenging. Give your viewers the intellectual stimulation that motivates our interest in PBS to begin with, or start showing Millionaire Matchmaker. But don't propose to make me a lovely steak dinner and then chew it for me.

No thanks.

I'm probably not going to watch Downton Abbey on PBS, because of the gratuitous editing, for the following two reasons:

I find this characterization of American PBS viewers both unjust and insulting, and
I genuinely desire to view this art with its original design and cultural identity intact.

Accusing us of being incapable of enjoying intellectually challenging television is demeaning and misses the opportunity to both demonstrate that entertainment which requires thought is just as worthwhile as other forms created to stifle it, and simultaneously teach us a little bit about turn of the century English society, culture, and inheritance law. These kinds of experiences are what I had thought were the point of PBS to begin with.

But, it's hard to say, on account of how slow I am.

Hugs and kisses,
q.

Please don't text and drive.

2011-01-05T13:50:00.001-08:00

Stress Pig knows what you are doing and doesn't like it one bit.

2011-01-05T10:06:00.000-08:00

Many of you may remember Stress Pig, the poor soul who died so that I might not bust out of my cubical like the Kool-Aid Man and throw a copy machine at someone.

Saddest day ever. Also a bad day for the copy machine. Kidding. Sorta.

Well my dear friends Drew and Tia (thanks guys!) located a replacement pig, henceforth to also be named Stress Pig, because I am uncreative.

The new Stress Pig seems a little intense to me though. Maybe he reads my blog?

Welcome to the year of not crazy.

2011-01-01T13:46:00.000-08:00

Today I stayed in bed till 10. And then, when I got up, I totally didn't make the bed.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM. It begins!

Happy New Year, friends!

Christmas was awesome, even though I'm totally crazy.

2010-12-28T11:50:00.000-08:00

I hope you all enjoyed your little Christmas break.

I ended up staying home and working on numerous Christmas projects including handmade gifts, tons of Christmas treats, and nurturing crippling anxiety.

I'm not sure how the last few years I've gotten it into my head that if I don't: have all my shopping for perfect presents done, presents perfectly wrapped, make at least 4 different kinds of cookies and 3 batches of fudge - all of which are prefect- the world will spontaneously combust because I will have RUINED CHRISTMAS FOREVER.

A few years ago my resolution was to do everything better. (You see, a normal person would not think this was a reasonable resolution. I even blogged about it and only Steve said what I hear so often- "I don't know if that is such a good idea....") This ridiculous resolution gave me license to allow all of my crazy perfectionist tendencies to rear up and bite me (and my loved ones*) in the ass.

This year, my resolution is to calm the hell down. Worry less about the laundry, dishes, and making every little thing perfect. Maybe just worry less in general and try to "be in the moment." (I am not sure what that phrase means, so this may be problematic. How will I know where I am at any given moment with out a color coded spreadsheet to tell me?) Not plan every waking moment of every week and just enjoy time with Muffin. Enjoy reading a book, by myself. Enjoy running on a treadmill and yelling "GAZELLLLLLLE" at Angie.

Can "be less crazy" be a viable resolution? And is that even possible for me? And as I have just recently realized I should, like a scientist, ask myself, is this something I should do? For me, for my friends and family?

Am I going to end up fat and smelly, playing Doctor Mario in my underwear, living off Mountain Dew and cheap pizza like some sort of 15 year old boy version of Howard Hughes? Cause I will straight up tell you that collecting jars of my own urine is not high on my list of interests, also I'm pretty sure that my roommate will object.

Or will this be awesome (not the urine, which I sort of regret bringing up now, the resolution)?

Anyway, my baking of a substandard number of treats, nor my craziness managed to RUIN CHRISTMAS FOREVER, and in fact I had a splendid time hanging out with my family and eating our do-over turkey. (Which, btw, was not poisonous this time, so hooray us!) I got a TON of great gifts, we played fun games, and nobody got food poisoning. Success!

How was your Christmas?

___

*I'm sorry, Muffin. When you suggested that maybe I didn't need to make bread to send down to your parents and then I tried to use the force to choke you with my mind, I might have been experiencing a bit of Yule Madness**.

** Yule madness, like how I apparently was so keyed up from Christmas that I woke up every hour on boxing day until at 5 something I gave up*** and went shopping****.

*** Steve, so sorry about the 5:50 AM text announcing that you could join me at ANY MINUTE, because I was ALREADY OUT SHOPPING AND IT WAS AWESOME. And actually for my behavior later that day when you joined me at a normal hour and I was SO EXCITED, because those Tianna dress up dolls were TWO FOR TWENTY and doesn't your god-daughter need 15 or so of them, and did I mention I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 5 O'CLOCK AND I AM SO STOKED. AND I GOT ALL THE STUFF ON MY LIST AND DO I NEED THIS (IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE RACCOONS DO NOT TYPICALLY SMOKE!) AND ALSO MAYBE A LATTE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I DON'T NEED A LATTE! LETS GO RIP OPEN MY NEW PANINI PRESS AND MAKE PANINIS!

**** Hey, did you know that Old Navy opens at 5 AM on boxing day? And that while Target is totally open at 7 and you can pick up those spiffy solar powered light strings you wanted to make this, you are also so tired and out of it that you may think that it is totally fine to buy 7 bags of gift bows, because they are 50! %! Off! But when you sit down later you realize that while is it is totally awesome that you have something like 5 years before you ever need to buy bows again, you now have 210***** bows to store for 5 years.

*****Not hyperbole.

Thinking about Gift Cards

2010-12-17T09:46:00.000-08:00

I think the key to gift giving is that it should be from the heart.

Every so often I have difficulty picking a good gift for a loved one, but usually, if you know someone well enough that you buy them gifts, you should know them well enough to find something they like. I usually consider gift cards like politically correct language. Both cash and gift cards come from the same place in your heart, which is usually:
"I don't know you well enough or am too lazy to pick out a good gift."
But the gift card says it with glitter and penguins.

I also feel like a gift card is giving someone money and then chiding them to spend it in a specific manner. "Well, Bob, you can't be trusted to make your own spending decisions, so here's a financial training wheel."

Sometimes I do buy gift cards in special circumstances:
1. Money for people who really can't be trusted to spend it wisely: a Safeway gift card is slightly more likely to be used on groceries than something sketchy. Sure you can sell the card at a loss, or you can use the money you save on groceries for drugs- but at least it wasn't my money.
2. Cards to sporting events, restaurants, craft stores: Gives your recipient an understanding that you know what they like, but didn't want to box them in on dates or materials that they wouldn't prefer.
3. Cards to places the recipient frequently uses or is saving to buy something from: I'd love to help contribute to someone's new pool table, or TV.
4. I'm being a dick on purpose.

Furthermore, gift cards seem environmentally unsound.
Cash gift:
Envelope
Greeting card
Money

Gift Card:
Envelope
Greeting card
Envelope
Gift card

The end result of cash gift is paper to recycle and your stuff. The end result of gift card giving is more to recycle, your stuff, and either -$ from where you spent more than the card or $0.37 left on the card, and of course the card that the cashier throws away when it's empty.

I also read a Slate article that describes gift cards as interest free short term loans from consumers. Coupling that with the fact that you almost always spend more money than the gift card's denomination, gift cards are a great deal for the conglomerates, to whom, we already give a lot of money. It seems a bit like the exact opposite of interest- one consumer gives the loan and the other pays the company a little extra later.

In closing, ba humbug!

"Asshole" not acceptable Post Office language.

2010-12-15T14:03:00.000-08:00

Dear USPS Customers,

Get your shit together. I can drop any bad word I want on this blog, because people can choose to read this or not. But, dear fellow humans, when you are at the post office, I do not care how long the line is, paste on a happy face and just wait. I know it sucks. Nobody wants to be here. But it really sucks for everyone when you are a d-bag.

Don't be rude to the workers there. Accept your fate. You are at the post office on the 13th of December. This is your fault.

And you, chivalrous guy who stepped up top defend the post lady and ended up in a yelling match that looked like it might become physical, your heart was totally in the right place, but your language was in the Marines.

Yes, that other guy was an enormous sphincter, but when you curse him out in front of young children and ladies older than my granny, you join the asshole parade. Earmuffs, buddy. Earmuffs.

There was a time where people wore hats. And your hat reminded you that you are in public. Your hat reminded you to be a member of a society with rules for appropriate behavior.

I think we need hats again. To tip. To hold in our hands, preventing hands curling into fists. A hat, to worry about losing should you set it own to smack some guy at the post office in front of some preschoolers, nervous office ladies, and God.

If you can't behave appropriately amongst society, stay home. Use Amazon. Don't threaten other people at the post-office. I was dialing 911 and edging towards the door to shut both of you idiots out and away from the regular people.

Get some self-respect. Do you really want to be the kind of dude who gets arrested at the post office? You're already the dude there in sweats.

Where's dignity gone? Graciousness? Are they out there with the hats? Lost forever?

A little something for Steve.

2010-12-13T11:27:00.000-08:00

Don't forget about your friends in Seattle while you're away.

This will help:

Click play, Sucker.

Hugs!

Helen Mirren, my hero.

2010-12-09T11:03:00.000-08:00

She is so smart. So funny. So sophisticated and graceful in a way that implies strength, knowledge, and charm. It is hard to be candid, smart, and relatable while still holding on to an air of grace as she does.

She is a person I watch when I think of the kind of person I want to be.

BEHOLD: The mighty power of graphs.

2010-12-07T15:26:00.000-08:00

I'll be weeping silently under my bed if you need me. Thanks for nothing, Internet:

To enbiggen original chart from smart people.

With subtitles courtesy of SUC:

There, I fixed it. Yes, I do make charts for living, why do you ask?

Who is this guy?

2010-12-05T00:36:00.000-08:00

Because that is not John McCain.

Like John Stewart, I've become increasingly disenchanted with John McCain, going from a full out crush to a festering dislike. John McCain has become a man I can't respect. His recent behavior has really made me thankful for my vote for Obama- a decision I did not make lightly and that was directly caused by John McCain's unexpected and sudden reluctance to be John McCain.

Listening to his deluded and desperate comments during the Don't Ask Don't Tell senate hearings has been the pinnacle of my disillusionment. As James Fallows asks in The Atlantic, where did the strong and principled John McCain go and why was he replaced with a man who, unlike so many others, is more conservative and ineffective in his old age. Isn't the knowledge that comes with old age the wisdom to better understand your fellow humans and differentiate between truth and prejudice?

Joe Lieberman has clearer understanding of just what this legislation means in America's development:

12/2/10- SEN. JOE LIEBERMAN (I), CONNECTICUT: We‘re on the front lines of a turning point in American history. And we have these in every generation. This country, from the beginning, was defined not by its borders, but by our values.

The Declaration of Independence says, you know, we‘re all endowed by God with those equal rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And every generation has realized those rights better, because they weren‘t realized at the beginning. In 1776, for women, for people of color, et cetera, et cetera.

In our time, one of the great transitions occurring is the growing readiness and understanding among the American people that you simply—it‘s just wrong and un-American to discriminate against people based on their sexual orientation.

Beautiful.

The Daily show had a most interesting segment about this that I highly recommend you watch. John Stewart is a very diverting and sexy man.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Gaypocalypse Now

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor

The Daily Show on Facebook

Just because it is confusing and bewildering...

2010-12-03T10:37:00.000-08:00

doesn't mean it isn't totally awesome.

See the un-aired musical dance number wherein Craig Ferguson explains what Americans need to know about Doctor Who. I'm going to have to insist that you watch this.

Thanks for the link, i09. For reals.

Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband, because rabid otters are attacking everyone out here.

2010-12-01T09:35:00.000-08:00

Rabid. Otter. Attacks.

Thanks for nothing, Nature.

There have been three recent attacks on humans, including two passers-by, and one man filming the otter in his own yard.

Most disturbingly, this otter crime wave was kicked off when, and I'm not shitting you, an otter broke into someone's house and bit their dog, Chester, on the nose.

Otters, right? Total assholes.

Photo credit.

A smell from the deepest pits of R'lyeh; A Thanksgiving Story

2010-11-29T22:07:00.000-08:00

On Thanksgiving morning my uncle and I bundled up and drove the truck down treacherous roads, seeking to bring Great Granny and her stalwart caretaker Peter cupcakes decorated to look like a turkey. This mission was clearly of the utmost importance.

We trundled out there against the advice from Peter, the world's nicest man. Peter speaks in halting English, primarily learned from the elderly people in his care. I wasn't quite sure, but it sounded a little bit like he said he didn't think coming out to Great Granny's in that weather was a very good idea. (Anybody else notice how frequently people suggest that maybe what I'm doing is not a very good idea?) I told him we'd see him shortly and in spite of weather like this:

we successfully delivered our precious cargo to Great Granny out in the sticks, then returned home triumphant to watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

The moment I'd shucked my winter gear and placed my boots on the heat vent, my Auntie called me to the kitchen.

"Smell this," she said. I'm pretty staunchly opposed to sniffing on command, but, it was Thanksgiving. As I opened the oven door, she continued, "Does it smell bad to you?". It wasn't the worst smell ever, but my super-sniffer warned me away. I agreed that it did not smell right. It, being the Thanksgiving turkey.

A mere 3 hours from guest arrival my uncle and I rebundled and headed outside to fight nature and last minute crowds in search of replacement poultry. The supermarket was nearly deserted, and one lone thawed turkey awaited us. A gorgeous twenty two pound bird... with an estimated cook time of 6 hours. A 5 hour gap between guest arrival and dinner sounded a little too long.

So we bought two chickens and a ham, just to be on the safe side and headed home. The first thing we noticed upon the return to the house was that the attic ladder was down. Curious.

As we entered the house the smell wave hit us like a garbage tsunami. I want you to understand that this smell was epic. It was profoundly terrible. At first I thought that all four dogs had eaten something squishy and dead, like a raccoon corpse that didn't agree with them, and resulted in four dog simultaneous in-door pooptastrophe. Times eleventy million.

This smell was Lovecraftian in it's horribleness- like something dredged from Cthulhu's anus.

This smell was our turkey. The turkey my uncle had declared he was going to cook to one hundred and eighty degrees and then consume in an effort to prove that brining the turkey in scalding hot water would not, in fact, kill every one of us.

Our turkey which, upon our return was already sitting outside in the snow, still in its roasting pan. Our turkey, which was so funky, so gnarly, so horrific that the dogs wouldn't go near it. Our dogs, who drag squirrel corpses under the porch to age like kimchi before rolling around in them and eating the squishy bits, and leaving the the empty squirrel fur and bone sacks lying about like deflated maggot balloons, found our Thanksgiving turkey so terrifyingly stinky that they wouldn't go near it.

Auntie had opened every window and door (it was less than 30 degrees), lit every candle in the house (including the holiday candles looted from the attic), and lit the fireplace. Yet the stench was oppressive. Two and a half hours later, when the first guest arrived it still smelled bad enough that he asked what had happened. My dearest friend, the nicest, most polite person in the world- he is from Kansas people, and his mother is Mennonite- asked about the unholy stank.

Other than the unspeakable horror that was the turkey, everything else turned out well. I trussed and roasted the chickens, and we baked up the ham.

Dinner was even on time and, by then, either we'd all adjusted to it, or the noxious cloud had finally dissipated.

But I will never forget the putrescence visited upon us on that day. This Thanksgiving the thing I was most thankful for is that I didn't have to wash the roasting pan.

Notes from the Janitorial Cupboard: Everything is A OK.

2010-11-27T14:27:00.000-08:00

The custodian in my office, Jim, was, by odd coincidence, the custodian at my high school when I went there. He is and has always been one of the best, happiest, and kindest people I know.

Recently we commented that we had thought he might be on holiday, as we saw someone else doing some of his duties today. He told us that he's just training a substitute.

I said, "Ah, no holiday fun for you?"

And he replied, "I always have fun. I make my own fun. You know as a Vietnam Vet, as long as no one is shooting at me, I'm happy."

I've always believed in choosing to be happy, and today I add to that appreciating daily the many blessings in my life.

Happy Saturday!

Giving thanks.

2010-11-25T08:00:00.000-08:00

Almost as good as giving cookies.

This year I'm thankful for:

my family- I know that what seems like obnoxious nagging is actually attempted assistance; from people who are wiser than I;
my boyfriend- for knowing what I want, when I don't, and for the abilility to say "no"- not to mention being generally adorable;
all of my friends- for always being eager and supportive;
in particular Steve- for understanding that poop jokes are always funny;
my granny- for always being willing to drop everything to find a recipe for me;
my job- for existing where there is scarcity;
and to Angie- for making me go to the gym and making me laugh. You are one of the nicest, if not the nicest, people I know.

What are you thankful for?

At the gym Kanye-style!

2010-11-23T10:14:00.000-08:00

I tried a new machine at the gym last week. IT WAS AWESOME:

I'd never used the Adaptive Motion Trainer before because it looks too much like this:

Scary right?

No?

Ok, well, here is what it looks like when someone is on it:

Still no? Well, it is yellow and gray and taller than me. I assure you that the yellow really stands out at the gym where everything is gray or black.

Anyway, I got on there and once I got it going, it was like when I was young and lithe and could run with leaping strides. Those days before I jacked up my knee and foot from running with leaping strides.

And my knee was fine and my foot was fine. And I was leaping like a GAZELLE. And I was (loudly) telling Angie, my gym buddy, "I AM LIKE A GAZELLE! LEAP! LEAP! LEAP!" Angie choking on her water, as I moved my arms diving through the air in gazelle hoofs-like motion.

"I AM THE GAZELLE! GAZELLE! WOOSH! I'M FLYING! GAZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLE!!!!!!!!!!"

"WOosh! Gazelle. gazelle... Holy shit. I'm so tired. How long have we been on these things?"

"10 minutes"

"FUCK."

So fine, I only did a mile, but for 50% of the time I was a gazelle.

Toilet Spider, WTF?!

2010-11-21T15:14:00.000-08:00

Today at the Workplace WC, I turned to flush the toilet in my usual stall, and a SPIDER crawled out of the tiny gap in between the wall and the toilet and, given that spiders are pervs, undoubtedly took a picture with his tiny spider iPhone to send along to all the other spiders in the building or post on some sort of creepy spider file share of ladies' bottom pix.

Really, Spider, the toilet? You looked around and said, yep, this is where I want to live, in the toilet? Spider, you are all kinds of screwed up.

Later, I (because I'm an idiot) had forgotten about Toilet Spider (how did I forget, you ask? please see earlier parenthetical note) and when I went to flush, there was Toilet Spider, totally dead. His crunchy little spider corpse floating in a puddle of (I assume bleachy) water that sometimes leaks from the tank.

What did you see Toilet Spider? What horrible thing did you see that made you want to end it all? Please tell me it wasn't my bottom. Please tell me that it was just your time, but that you were happy to end your life on the positive note of my bottom.

Also let that be a warning to all other spiders; this bathroom is deadly. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Someone here is an ENORMOUS girl.

2010-11-19T10:07:00.000-08:00

Most the time I'm just one of the guys at the comic store, but periodically I GIRL IT UP, HARDCORE.

Very much looking forward to:

Should I chase this with a poop joke to restore my credibility? Good call.

Texting, the Gateway to Gateway Drugs

2010-11-17T15:58:00.000-08:00

CNN recently aired a story about a survey's results indicating that teenagers who spend large portions of time using social networks/texting are more likely to smoke, drink, use drugs, and have sex (possibly more interesting sex than I'm having) (kidding, Muffin).

So, what I'm hearing is that kids with more active social lives fall victim to social ills? That kids who spend more than 3 hours a day screwing around on the internet, unattended by adults, are more likely to have risky behavior?

Shocking.

As it turns out, popular kids with uninvolved parents and too much time on their hands do most of the ~~cool kid~~ dangerous stuff. I hope that this study was not paid for by the US government. That would be depressing. In related news, how about we do a study relating the relationship between time spent watching Babylon 5 and wedgies.

More critically, while the article clearly states that the relationship between texting and sex is not causal, in the TV segment, the host actually asked how to manage kid's texting to prevent teenagers having ~~fun~~ sex/a drink/drugs. Surely, if you turn off her phone's text function, your little princess will never have sex or drink. She will also cure cancer, sprout wings and fly, make cupcakes too beautiful to eat, and create peace in the Middle East.

I think that the horrific teen trend we should really, as adults, be concerned with is trampolining:

Love is...

2010-11-15T15:55:00.000-08:00

giving away the last dumpling for his chicken soup.

Status of "American Ingenuity" jeopardized.

2010-11-13T10:03:00.000-08:00

Remember that one time when I cleverly stopped my trunk leak by caulking it?

Remember the incredulity of the guy at Home Depot, as he said, "I don't know if that's a good idea."

Now, this is going to come as a HUGE shock, guess what was not maybe a very good idea? Did you guess caulking my trunk? Good guess.

My tail light is out. But I sealed the aperture with caulk. So now I have to disconnect my car battery, remove the caulking, fix the light, and then re-caulk that space and reconnect the battery.

Why disconnect the battery? Because knives + wires = bad news bears.

Why re-caulk? Because I don't have a better idea about how to fix my leaky trunk. (Which sounds like an embarrassing disease for elephants.)

The internet, which was silent on this issue when I was googling the hell out of it, now tells me that I can remove my light wells and then caulk with some specific sort of putty. Thanks for nothing, internet.

That's a ton of work well beyond my level of caring/ability. I think I'll just re-caulk it and hope that the light doesn't go out again before the car shudders to a stop on I5 in rush hour.

Happy Vetran's Day

2010-11-11T00:01:00.000-08:00

A beautiful short animation of a brilliant piece of writing.

Gettysburg Address from Adam Gault on Vimeo.

Regional restroom sherpa available!

2010-11-09T20:45:00.000-08:00

Remember those halcyon days of yore when I daydreamed of how I would spend my 30th birthday?
No? (Scroll down, could be fun.)
Well, they were awesome. After much debate, I decided on a weekend in Leavenworth, frolicking in the sun, eating delicious Bavarian pastries, petting goats, and making smoochy face with Muffin.

That would have been pretty sweet. Instead I led Muffin on a tour of every restroom between Seattle and Leavenworth. Thanks to food poisoning, courtesy of The Bite of Seattle, I spent the entirety of my 30th birthday disrespecting countless bathrooms, drinking ginger ale, and weeping softly into the luxuriant hotel pillows.

Luckily, by Sunday I recovered in time to enjoy the many splendors of Leavenworth.

I didn't want one, but Muffin demanded we have a commemorative photo taken.

Rawr, hands off, ladies- that's my Muffin!

Things I Don't Understand: Activia

2010-11-07T19:30:00.000-08:00

So now they make special yogurt for people who can't poop. Who out there is really not pooping? Are you pooping? Cause I'm pooping.

In the landmark text Everyone Poops, it is asserted that we all poop. Was this all lies?

Is there an epidemic of not-pooping, of which I have been entirely unaware? Such a nonproliferation of poo that Jamie Curtis was hired to tell us what to buy to make pooping occur?

ATTENTION AMERICA, EAT SOME FRUIT.

That is all.

And now for something completely different....

2010-11-04T19:26:00.000-07:00

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's a really obscure number; you've probably never heard of it.

Things and Stuff

2010-05-25T19:00:00.000-07:00

1. Two great articles on North Korea on Slate:

Kim Jong-il's Willing Accomplices-- The West puts up with the evil madman's antics because we're afraid of triggering worse.

What Can You Buy From North Korea? Not much.

2. Best thing I've seen in ages:

Yes, that is Neil Gaiman delivering his Doctor Who script. SQUEEEEEEE!

“The drop is lucky.”

2010-05-06T19:00:00.000-07:00

Is what my boyfriend said I said in my sleep last night. What does that mean? No idea.

In other news, tonight is the last weeknight Girl Scout meeting of the school year. Is it wrong for a troop leader to be so ridiculously gleeful? Hope not.

Don't worry, this is not another post about Skittles.

2010-04-20T19:00:00.000-07:00

Mostly because if I eat one more Skittle I am going to hurl.

So, what's new with me?

1. My cousin is set to wed in two weeks. 2! Weeks! Seattle will be flooded by my relatives, so if you see someone driving 55 in the left lane of I5 with their blinker on, say aloha to my elderly relations from Hawaii. If some jackass in a truck with a sticker of Calvin peeing on a Chevy logo cuts you off on I90, rest assured he's one of ours too.

1.5. My cousin is getting married on a boat and asked what song I would like played at the wedding.
I requested this:

Request denied. Some people don't appreciate excellent music.

2. I survived another round of layoffs, but my funding ends August 31 of 2011. So big party next September. And by big party, I mean come by my house with food.

3. Dude, you guys, I am turning 30 in July. I really want to do something awesome. What sorts of awesome things should I do? I was all set to go to Iceland, but now that seems ashy. I can't decide between renting a cabin with all my friends, going away for the weekend with my boyfriend, or going away for the weekend with another couple. Thoughts anyone? Leavenworth? The beach? Victoria? Whistler off season? France?

3.5. I'm getting old! OLD. So this means I can stay home all weekend in my PJs and watch LOST (finally at season 5!) and nobody can say a thing about it! Finally I can enjoy Murder She Wrote and make jam and who will judge? Nobody, because they all want jam. If I didn't really not like cats, I would totally get one. Because that is what unmarried ladies over 30 do, right?

4. I've been pet-sitting for about two months straight now and I am SO excited to go back to my own home. First I will clean the hell out of the house and then... sit on my butt and watch two months of TIVO. Doctor Who? Yes, please. A little Masterpiece Theater? Hot damn! Finish up LOST for good? Yippee!

5. That's all I've got for the moment. Any questions?

How are things?

2010-04-15T19:00:00.000-07:00

Well, this is my squeezy pig from work.

Crap, About Which, Nobody Cares: SKOCD Special Edition

2010-03-12T19:00:00.000-08:00

You know, Skittle Obsessive Craziness Disorder.

My last "fun" pack (sorry for the pic quality, I've been messing around with a new photo app and errrr, it's not working that well.):

So, for those keeping track:
Out of the 75 Skittles I've eaten:
Green: 12%
Orange: 19%
Purple: 25%
Red: 16%
Yellow: 28%

Please also note that I was ROBBED on March 1st with a 14 pack instead of the standard 15. Luckily I got a bonus Skittle (though I'm convinced it was YELLOW) on the 24th of February.

So my original hypothesis that red is some corporate fat cat's favorite flavor is erroneous. Green is his fav, but he mixes it up with a red occasionally. Of course, I didn't notice the discernible lack of greens because they are gross.

But wait! There's more!

Speaking of green being super gross, from Cymberleah, our first guest submission:

Now, Cymberleah's data:
Total of 59 Skittles in a standard sack.
Green: 34%
Orange: 12%
Purple: 10%
Red: 25%
Yellow: 10%

Clearly this means that the guy in charge of the regular sized Skittles packaging factory likes yellow and purple best.

It certainly doesn't have to do with Skittles being thrown into a giant hopper and never being mixed and the sacks being filled by weight. Doing it that way would be totally stupid.

In other news, my dentist is getting a new boat!

My own brother, a goddamn, shit-sucking vampire.

2010-03-11T10:00:00.000-08:00

You wait 'till mom finds out, buddy!

I’m pretty bummed out about Corey Haim passing. In the same way that romcoms assert that you can be in love with the man someone could be, I am mourning the loss of someone who could have been so much more successful as a person. Never mind having the acting career he might have achieved, but simply living well and joyfully.

I think that there is something sick and sad in our society that we take bright and creative people and watch them slowly burn.

I’m sorry that he didn’t get to be someone happy. I’m sorry that nobody tried hard enough to help him until too late. I guess I’m just sorry.

Last night the BF and I watched a portion (not the whole thing, but some of us have to get up at ass o’clock and go to the gym or else become ENORMOUS) of The Lost Boys last night and was struck by how adorable and talented Corey Haim had been as a young man.

I’m going to try to remember him charming and young, with life ahead of him, instead of as yet another cautionary tale about excess, youth, and the dangers of Hollywood.

More bars?

2010-03-02T19:00:00.000-08:00

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Interesting.

Curious

2010-03-01T19:00:00.000-08:00

Still not even, but all the ones on the right are RED.

I know!

No, as a matter of fact, I don't have anything better to blog about:

2010-02-24T19:00:00.000-08:00

Bonus Skittle. But still no balance.

I'm just say'n.

2010-02-23T19:00:00.000-08:00

Come on. Really?

Dear Makers of "Fun Size" Skittles,

2010-02-22T19:00:00.000-08:00

You rat bastards.

Why is it so hard to make reasonably even distributions of Skittle flavors in your packs?

Why are their always three million yellows or oranges? Why never red?

Where are all the surplus reds? Are you eating my reds? You are sitting there at your desk eating all of my red Skittles as I write. I KNOW IT IS TRUE.

Please see photographic evidence of you latest transgression below.

You are officially on notice, Skittle swapping creeps!

Roger Ebert and Being Awesome

2010-02-17T19:00:00.000-08:00

A while ago I started reading Roger Ebert's blog in the Chicago Sun-Times. You may only think of Ebert as a movie reviewer, but Ebert is a talented writer and deep thinker. His blog is occasionally about film, but more frequently about life. Ebert himself is fading from life (having readied himself to die) after cancer and numerous surgeries, which have robbed him of speaking, eating, drinking, and facial expressions. His blog is his means of communication with the greater world.

There is something beautiful in his writing. Not simply his skill in expressing himself. Something more. The way he thinks. The way he feels and that he wants us to understand and feel too. Reading his blog is like breathing in a tiny piece of Ebert. Savoring a small piece of a great man's soul.

There is a fantastic story about Roger Ebert in Esquire and I would really encourage you to read it. Both Ebert's blog and the Esquire story are well worth the time to read.

Happy reading.

Really?!

2010-02-14T19:00:00.000-08:00

A while ago the roommie and I went out for Korean BBQ and I'm pretty sure the workers at the restaurant thought we were leotarded.

They cooked the meat for us; and I'll admit, it was a bit off-putting.

Perhaps they thought my big round eyes are unable to determine meat doneness. It is more likely that it's illegal to allow us to grill our own around here, but I prefer to believe that being unable to determine meat doneness is a common stereotype abroad.

You know, white folks don't know how to grill, Asians are good at math, and black guys have big... hands.

Let me assure the fine proprietors of the local North Seattle Korean BBQ establishment that I did not get into this physical condition by not knowing how to cook food and put it in my face.

hungy hungy hippos!

2010-02-11T19:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Universe,

How are you? I'm hungry.

Remember when I lived in Japan and the food was so ridiculously delicious? I know! It was awesome. And it made me sad that I couldn't get that food here.

Then you brought me Beard Papa's cream puffs and I was excited. That was pretty awesome. First one in Hawaii, handy when visiting relatives. Then one in San Francisco, still handy for the visiting. Then one in Vancouver, more motivation to visit my parents. Then BOOM. Two in Seattle. I was happy. It takes me less time to drive to Beard Papa's and buy a cream puff and scarf it, than to wait in the appalling lines outside the Beard Papa's I frequented in Tokyo. Good on you.

Well, now I'm the mood for something salty after all these cream puffs. Today I learned that Yoshinoya, one of my favorite stumble-in-after-drinking-and-have-a-bowl-of-rice-topped-with-beef-joints has like 300 locations in California.

Universe, where is my Yoshinoya? Do not withhold divine beefy goodness. Not cool.

And while I'm making requests, where is my Cozy Corner, purveyors of sweets that are not too sweet? I would like a decorated little cake. Very very much. Look at how pretty they are. See, all the yummy goodness, also the small bear you can buy to insert a candle in its head, so that you don't ruin your cake by placing a candle in it, but instead you can put a small bear's butt in there (but it's ok to put it's butt in there because it is made of gum drops. AND I AM NOT EVEN SHITTING YOU.).

Or the Little Mermaid one of many bakeries in Japan where you could find bread stuffed with many things including mayo (better than you'd think), bacon, or even OTHER BREAD.

Never mind the too numerous to mention hole in the wall ramen joints, rasta bars, and random excellent purveyors of Japanese food, all sorts.

So, Universe, dear universe, please send me more delicious Japanese food. And an In & Out. Also an El Pollo Loco. (I know it isn't good, I just like it.)

They should at least find you handy.

2010-02-10T19:00:00.000-08:00

You know how sometimes you go to Home Despot and they ask you if you need some help and then they act like you're a complete moron? No? Maybe that is just me.

This is how this went:

Home Despot Guy: Can I help you find something?

Q: A good all-weather heat-resistant silicone caulk.

HDG: This one might be good for that. Doing a sauna or hot tub?

Q: Nope, trunk leak.

HDG: Uhm... I don't know if that's a good idea.

Q: This is American ingenuity at work, friend.

And now my trunk doesn't leak. Furthermore, having recommended it to my coworker, hers doesn't either.

You gotta problem? Yo, I'll solve it.

Hmmm.

2009-12-18T19:00:00.000-08:00

This morning I ate "strawberries 'n cream" flavored yogurt.

This put me out of sorts.

Aren't all strawberry yogurts berries and cream flavored?

Also why "'n".

Also why is this bothersome to me? I wish I was in therapy so I could further explore these feelings....

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Q: Disgruntled.

Therapist: Is this about yogurt again?

Q: Mmmmmmmmaaaaybeeeeeee.

Therapist: Sally, cancel the rest of my afternoon appointments and tell my wife I'll be late for dinner.

We need to talk about your TPS reports.

2009-11-10T19:00:00.001-08:00

My field is experiencing some rather severe setbacks of late and this resulted in the RIF of our mail room clerk.

His duties were redistributed to a number of (apparently disgruntled) coworkers.

So when I went to send a piece of mail certified it was no surprise that the form used to bill my department and the envelope were brought back to me with another form that I need to fill out, but was not aware of.

I completed 2 forms and set them on top of the envelope in the mail room to be mailed. Success!

Now it is a month later and I attempted to mail another envelope. Early the next day I received a testy (teehee) voice mail notifying me that I must google where to attach the 2nd form to the envelope because if the envelope is not fully prepared it wastes her time.

Ripping off the backing of the adhesive strip wastes her time, but calling and leaving a 2 minute angry and repetitive voicemail is an excellent use of her time. I called her back to explain that the rules keep changing and yet I am not notified and that I will take care of it, but during the frenzied conversation this woman made a huge point about how mailing envelopes is not her job and wastes her time.

So I waited for this joyous individual to go off of mail duty, and go downstairs to reclaim my envelope and adhere the form to it. And lo, it is gone. The mail sorting room is the size of a small walk-in closet and contains 1 counter with 1 thing on it. That 1 thing- not my envelope. I checked in my mailbox, I checked in the to-be-sent mail box, I looked on the counter and then the floor. Nada. I assumed that when I had called her earlier and listened to about 16 seconds of vitriol before saying, "Ok, bubye" and hung up on her she changed her mind and just did it.

This morning, imagine my dismay when I received another voicemail complaining that I did not take care of my envelope. Knowing it would suck, I wearily called her back and explained that the envelope was not there. The conversation went thus:
Rude Woman: I left it on the counter.
Me: When I went down there it was not on the counter.
RW: Yes it was, I left it there.
Me: I looked on the counter, there was nothing there. I figured someone must have mailed it.
RW: (becoming hysterical) IT WAS THERE. ON THE COUNTER. TO THE LEFT. YOU HAVE TO AFFIX THE...
Me: OK, bubye.

So I waited another hour or so and go to the mail room. The envelope was not there.

I dug around and find that someone had processed it.

Finally. My envelope was mailed with two wasted trips to the mail room, two phone calls, and two torturous voice mails. No wasted time here. Certainly none wasted on actually processing mail.

While I'm sympathetic to the fact that it is annoying when people don't follow rules and being screwed over by the budget cuts sucks, I'm not sympathetic to people who cannot behave themselves appropriately. Doing the mail may suck, but unfortunately for the rest of us, doing the mail is this woman's job. It's easy (which is great because my only other interaction with her was when she lost important paperwork and blamed me because paper-clipping it putting it in an envelope was insufficient), and apparently leaves you plenty of time to act like a jerk.

Fungi not as fun as name implies.

2009-11-10T19:00:00.000-08:00

So, guess whose trunk is still leaking?

It's me! Back to the drawing board- by which I mean crawling about in my trunk with a Mag-Lite and tube of sealant.

And they say blonds have more fun.

Gunk in the Trunk

2009-11-07T11:44:00.000-08:00

Guess how I spent my morning.

If you guessed crawling in and out of my car's trunk with a MagLite and screw driver, you are really good.

About a week ago I noticed that my car did not have the nice clean smell I was accustomed to. It had a funk about it that I could not put my finger on. (I'm going to take a moment to remind the reader that the whole "don't end sentences in prepostions" thing is not a rule, but a stylistic choice- so no trolling!)

Yesterday I opened the trunk at Nordstrom and there was a 2 foot square patch of terrifying white mold. So I shut the trunk, thinking that this was a problem for Future Quiana. (Sucks to be her. Literally, right now.) All I could picture in my head was two inches of fetid standing water in the spare tire well and the slimy, heavy tire rusting away that I would get to lift. This was too much for me on a Friday night. Instead, I decided to do this before breakfast on a Saturday morning after a very late night. GENIUS.

Naturally it is pouring and I didn't need the neighbor boys watching my yoga panted rear as I clamored in and out of the drunk of my land-yacht, so I moved the car into our tiny garage. I unbolted the trunk lining and pulled it up and out of the affected areas. It has been raining pretty heavily for at least a week, and even though there was a TON of mold there was very little standing water. I gave the drain gaskets in the wheel well a good clean and the trunk is drying out in the garage. The hideous trunk liner is having various solvents tested on it in inconspicuous areas and other than being filthy, damp, and annoyed as hell, this whole thing has gone pretty well. 4 (FOUR!) points of entry were discovered and I hope to buy some sort of sealant for the trunk and get this taken care of today.

I think I will even replace the windshielf wipers, rain-x the windows, and give the whole thing a good detailing. So, in spite of the disgustingness, all in all I classify today as a win.

And that, my dear friends, is the pinnacle of my story telling ability lately, hence the lack of bloggage. But if you liked this entry I'll be happy to oblige you with other tantelizing tales of tidying and other such enchanting stories.

Happy Saturday.

Saving Myself

2009-10-11T20:18:00.000-07:00

I've had the novel The Moonstone on my nightstand for months. Haven't read it.

I even moved it onto my "current reads" category on goodreads.com.

Today I read the introduction by PD James. And then I read the author's note.

And then I stopped. I just can't seem to read it.

Wilkie Collins is an amazing author. The Moonstone is supposed to be the second detective story ever written. The first, and according to most, the best mystery novel ever written.

Collins wrote my favorite book of all time, The Woman in White.

The Moonstone is his last novel. (Which is fine because he is quite dead.)

I've been enjoying looking forward to this book for so long. Is it crazy that I'm nervous to read this book?

Chris Rock talks to Leno about Polanski

2009-10-02T19:00:00.000-07:00

I have been so mad about this whole defense of Polanski situation that I couldn't blog about it. And I'm still too mad. But I will say that I think it is interesting that one of the few celebrities who is willing to stand up and say, "Hey, this guy is a child rapist, send him to jail" is Chris Rock.

Jezebel has the pertinent clip if you are curious.

Oh, America, why?

2009-10-01T20:34:00.000-07:00

I found it at Freddy's!

Funny things.

2009-09-02T19:00:00.000-07:00

This morning while I was having my teeth cleaned I overheard a dental hygienist talking to a boy about 11 in the room across the way.

Dental Hygienist: How long do you brush your teeth?
Kid: Uhm... two minutes?
DH: I don't think so. How about you try for five?
...
DH: Any fun plans before school starts?
K: Visiting dad in Hawaii.
DH: Oh that will be fun. What will you do there?
K: X-Box.
DH: Not the ocean?
K: There are jellyfish.
DH: Jelly fish aren't as scary as all your teeth falling out.

Bonus funny:
Excerpt from ebay auction, "Nothing can compare with this Scarf:"
Nothing. Well, maybe other scarfs. But that is it.

Neil, stop looking at me like that.

2009-08-31T19:00:00.000-07:00

Hilariously sultry Neil Gaiman talks about vampires at Entertainment Weekly.

Says Neil, "Come lie down on this velvet settee. Nothing weird here. RAWR, baby."

Where did they get this pic? Is Neil doing tasteful boudoir photos now?

Not that I'm complaining.

Unpopular Opinions.

2009-08-12T19:00:00.000-07:00

1. The return of the North Korean prisoners.

I've been wondering if having Bill Clinton retrieve the prisoners was the right thing to do because the journalists have more or less admitted that they knowingly approached/crossed the NK border. Hey, guess what, screwing around with border crossing, particularly in this case, is pretty obviously dangerous. Furthermore having Clinton show up to speak with Kim Jong Il only gives him and the people starving to death in NK the belief that they run diplomatic relations and moreover, that kidnapping our citizens is an ok way to open up said relations.

I wonder if we would have bothered sending Clinton if they weren't pretty women and the sister of a popular journalist (I also wonder if these journalists correctly assumed that if they got caught, they'd get away with it because they are well connected women). If they were middle aged white guys they'd probably be breaking rocks right now and I might not even know they were there.

Saying that we should have left these journalists there is a very upopular opinon, so it was incredibly gratifying to read this article on Slate and find that I'm not the only one who is skeptical about the diplomatic situation in NK.

2. Inglorius Basterds.
Part of me is interested in the way Terrentino artfully styles his violence, but all the kind of porny over-the-top violence and general proliferation of hate is on my nerves lately.

Recently I declared "No more Nazis!" Having just finished The Book Thief, which was admittedly very good, I relized that I really could live without reading about Nazis for oh say the rest of my life. Not simply because the crimes perpatrated by the Nazis were horrendous and dreadful to read and imagine. But becuase Nazi soldiers were also people trapped in unimaginable positions, most of whom did very little to end the terror of the day, but who were also people victimized by their government in every concievable way.

Furthermore re-imagining these terrible acts, romantacizing, villanizing and obsessing is not a suitable way to never forget. Using Nazis as standard bad guys trivializes what happened in WWII, not just to Jews, homosexuals, and other persecuted groups, but to the German people.

I also feel like using Nazis as the standard bad guy, and WWII as the standard setting for the bulk of western literature is incredibly lazy. Making hiding a Jew in your basement, evading Nazis, or fleeing Germany a literary standard makes your book one fictional tale among growing thousands, ever dwarfed by true stories that make the made up ones seem stale and trite in comparison.

And finally I'm tired of being told who to hate and that hate is ok. Desecrating corpses is wrong, torturing POWs is wrong, and hating for shits and giggles is wrong. There are no good guys who take scalps. If the tale was told in real life I would be well in favor of rounding all the Basterds up for a psych eval if not trying them for war crimes.

To those who say there deserves to be some stories of vengence for the Jewish People, I would respond that I wonder how or why anyone could get even with such atrocities.

I read an interesting article about Inglorius Basterds today and a child of a real member of the British X Troup of Jewish comandos wrote:

"When Manfred arrived at the Terezin camp, prisoners crowded around the jeep. Weak and dispirited, they were too stunned to utter a word. He found an inmate who directed him to his parents—emaciated and indeed hardly recognizable. As his father recounted their experiences, which included a stay in the notorious Belsen camp, his father told him that Jews would never get revenge for what had been done to them. “We cannot be that cruel,” he said.

For a man like Ganz, World War II is neither a distant nor amusing memory. He doesn’t seem likely to be engaged by Tarantino’s comic-book violence. “To me, the reality was brutal enough,” he says. "

I couldn't agree more.

Soooooooo, define clunker.

2009-08-05T19:00:00.000-07:00

So, the new C.A.R.S. program. I've been thinking about stimulating the Japanese economy by purchasing a vehicle that, you know, works and yet my car does not qualify for Cash for Clunkers.

This set me to wondering about who, precisely, would benefit from this program. Not the environment (at least not in the immediate short term). And not the poor; I figure that I am about as poor as you can get and still reasonably purchase a brand new vehicle. However, I'm not quite poor enough that my car (though 13 years old) qualifies. Someone who makes what I make would have to be pretty unreasonable to keep a car worse than mine. (After all, you have all been recommending that I dump the car for two years.)

I think to qualify you need to make at least 35K and be an enormously cheap bastard.

OR: trade your car with a poorer person and then you both win. They get a 13 year old, but still better, car and you get 4K.

I am thus curious (but far too lazy to research) about whom this bill was intended to assist. Not American auto makers, this is not limited to them. Not the working poor, they can't afford it. And not really the environment. So I guess this is posturing against OPEC?

Interesting choice.

Abandoned Blog Blues

2009-07-10T19:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry (again) about the blog abandonment.

I'm really in awe of the folks who can really focus on writing almost everyday. I swear I am just as interesting. In fact, right now I am really busy negotiating world peace and baking things.

Actually, I've just been dogsitting in a house with no internet access, and blogging from the iPhone is not the most horrible thing in the world, but it isn't exactly a joy either.

SO, in order to not write about the turbulence in my personal life and/or my trip to Indiana to visit my estranged father and brother (culminating in my brother being arrested), let's chat about things on film.

So I saw Transformers 2 last weekend and while my buddy Deuce really enjoyed it, I'm going to have to say that might be the worst movie I have ever seen that was not a SyFy original film. I've seen Ice Spiders. Twice. So please believe me when I say that that was needlessly the worst movie ever made and not in a good way.

I also saw The Proposal. Yes, these romantic comedies are very predictable, and in fact I may have watched already seen The Proposal when it was called My Fake Fiance (an ABC Family Movie), starring Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence (still totally hot) wherein they also hate each other but plan a fake wedding (because Joey is in debt to a mobster named The Monkey and Melissa wants fee housewares) but then they fall in love for realz. However, The Proposal was very well made (even compared to the movie magic that was My Fake Fiance). Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are very gifted comedic actors who also look good naked. So good for you two!! (Betty White really did steal the show though.) So, in conclusion this movie will undoubtedly end up in my humiliating collection of chick flicks:

While You Were Sleeping (Sandy B. rescues a man she has had a crush on from certain death, then his family thinks they are engaged. And she almost marries him when he wakes up, but has fallen in love with his brother- Bill Pullman- instead.)

Last Holiday (Queen Latifah thinks she is dying so spends all her life savings to go on a vacation where she charms everyone and eventually wins the love LL Cool J and, wait for it, doesn't die, but instead learns how to really live. *tears gushing*)

Sweet Home Alabama (Reese Witherspoon runs away from her small town life and husband, becomes famous and invents a whole new past but is forced to return home to get her divorce, but doesn't get a divorce because she still loves him and learns loves herself.)

Crossing Delancy (Amy Irving works in a book store and takes care of her bubbie. Her bubbie wants to set her up with a nice Jewish man, but he sells pickles and Amy really wants to be with this famous womanizing author... or does she? Hint: she doesn't. Also what woman doesn't want to be with a man who has unlimmeted ammounts of delicious pickles?!)

I have no idea why I am telling you about my dvds of shame. I'm not saying they're good. I'm just saying I like them.

Anyway, I also watched Miracles (which apparently aired on TV, though nobody bothered to tell me) starring Skeet Ulrich as a miracle investigator with the Catholic church who has a crisis of faith after an authentic miracle is ignored and goes to work for a private society investigating paranormal events.

I really wish America was ready for a show that says, "I know you enjoy thinking of God like a cross between Stanta Claus and your grandpa, but you know, having an omnipotent being paying too much attention to you is maybe scary." There is a reason that the phrase "God fearing" exists. It was a pretty interesting and complex show, and I am really sad that it was never allow to mature and complete the creepy storyline. The question being, is God "good" and how do you know when God is influencing you versus something "bad" influencing you. Since Miracles was canceled I will never find out.

What's cutier than a puppy?

2009-06-11T19:00:00.000-07:00

Tom Hanks AND a puppy.

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Tom Hanks Care Package

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Stephen Colbert in Iraq

This is what it is like to be me.

2009-06-10T19:00:00.000-07:00

I should preface this story with a note:
I love throwing things away. LOVE it. I find it incredibly satisfying.

Yesterday I was rummaging around in my closet and found these nice gray slacks. Still fit, look good. So why don't I wear them? No idea.

So I wear them today... and hey, guess what, I don't wear them because when I sit and lean forward, they spontaneously unzip themselves. Which is undoubtedly why they were jammed way back in the recesses of my closet.

So. The you go. I will give away/donate dozens of nice clothes, but I can't get rid of the spontaneous nudity pants? I am a crazy person. Also, if my shirt wasn't tunic styled, everyone in the office would know about my striped undies!

In other news, I want, nay, NEED this. Or conversely need to spend less time on design blogs.

Thanks, internet!

2009-06-09T19:00:00.000-07:00

My finds of the day:
1. Kind of interesting article about Guillermo del Toro on Wired. Includes a chart with numbers of pictures of unicorns denoting the level of liklihood of completion of the films he is currently attached to. (Yes, I ended that sentence in a preposition. That can be done. It is a stylistic choice. So, suck it, haters.)

2. SyFy (HATE typing that BS- Hey "SyFy" you should change your name to the Fake Reality Ghostbusting Network.) is making Alice in Wonderland mini series (keep your fingers crossed for steampunky goodness) along the lines of Tin Man (which I actually found virtually unwatchable but enjoy on the premise and design alone) starring all sorts of interesting sci-fi folks. Via Hollywood Reporter/io9. Does this mean I can simal-stalk Lt. Gaeta, Dr. Frank-n-Furter, and Connor from Primeval all at once in my next trip to BC to visit the parents? YES, yes it does. That seems like an appropriate mother daughter activity.

Also, this came up on my Google Reader this morning and I can't stop loving this guy's work. (Though it does very much take me back to my utz utz club dancing silly early 20's)

Exciting Footage if You're a Super-Nerd

2009-06-05T19:00:00.000-07:00

Which I am. HD footage of the surface of the moon from Japan's KAGUYA Explorer.

This one is at about 7 miles up:

This one is at 13 miles:

RAWR!!!!

2009-06-04T19:00:00.000-07:00

Starwars + Magnum, PI = Happy Quiana

For comparitive purposes, the side by side view of the actual Magnum, PI opening and Han Solo, PI:

Things on my "mind":

2009-06-03T19:00:00.000-07:00

Fantastic 5-part article on Slate about animal testing and a dog at the center of the fight against animal cruelty. Interesting political story.

Where my interests intersect: space, the spirit of scientific discovery, and fashion. Via WWD.

My obsession with Jonathan Adler's designs is carried to the ultimate humiliation. Someone please prevent me from spending $70 on this butter dish. Jim, hide my wallet!!

So, someone is pulling a fast one on us, right?

2009-05-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

Advanced Cat Yodeling.

2009-05-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

This video changed my life. (If life=mood this afternoon.)

Canada Tire, You Shifty Bastard!

2009-05-18T20:26:00.001-07:00

How Canada Tire unwittingly discovered how to manipulate consumers based on their purchase via NYT.

Interesting Aticle on the high cost of living below the Poverty Line

2009-05-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

I keep trying explain why it the same sorts of expenses cost the poor more to people (particularly at work) and I think that this article does an excellent job.

Something to watch 3000 times in a row.

2009-05-12T13:19:00.000-07:00

At home in bed with the plague. But, here, this is my gift to you:

Very Serious NPR Interview

2009-05-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

GACK!

2009-05-04T19:00:00.000-07:00

Spider Resurrections Take Scientists by Surprise.

Jibber, jib, gack. ERLK. And then I DIED of sheer horror. Thanks a lot, National Geographic.

Jim, please take note that the accepted ways to kill spiders include:
SQUISH.
SQUASH.
and
SMOOSH.

I find a Crank 2 promotional coaster in combination with pitiful whimpering and frightened leaping/ panicked flailing works fine for spider elimination.

Just make'n conversation...

2009-04-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

Oh noes!!!

2009-04-30T19:00:00.000-07:00

You may remember the last time I posted this picture. Now it is lol'd. LOL'd indeed.

Ninja What?!!!

2009-04-29T21:28:00.000-07:00

A little New England lovin for you:

Good News!

2009-04-29T13:26:00.001-07:00

Almost certainly going to still have a job through next August! Yay!

Happy Thoughts!

2009-04-28T19:00:00.000-07:00

Today my coworkers were fretting about the economy. I told them to buck up. After the SwinePacolypse there will be so many new jobs for the survivors to take!

Don't forget to wash your hands!

Viva la Swine!

Dear "Pirate Captain",

2009-04-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

I think you may not fully understand what pirating entails. You were probably excited about parrots, rum, and money. I understand that, I also like striped pants and saying "arg". But you may have gotten a romanticized view of pirating (did you see the Princess Bride?). You should blame the media for providing these liberal hippy-dippy portrayals of pirating as a professional career.

So let me set things straight for you. I am not going to sugar-coat this, pirating is dangerous work. For one thing, people will try to shoot you all the time. (This may be why pirating has gone out of fashion.) And I had not known this previously, but apparently pirating makes you get super self-righteous and confused.

When you kidnap a ship captain, hold him hostage for days and threaten to kill him, generally you don't get to call shenanigans when someone shoots your buddy. Now I don't make my living on the high seas, but I'm fairly certain that you set the level of discourse by showing up with a gun.

You say:

“Every country will be treated the way it treats us,” Abdullahi Lami, one of the pirates holding a Greek ship anchored in the pirate den of Gaan, a central Somali town, was quoted by The Associated Press as saying in a telephone interview. “In the future, America will be the one mourning and crying.”

It is a little late to be trying for the Golden Rule.

But here's the deal. You kidnap our guys and then in retaliation we'll just go to your town and kidnap some of your buddies. I think this is pretty reasonable.

Think about it, let us know.

Sincerely,
America

See!

2009-04-10T19:00:00.000-07:00

... I'm not the only one shouting "Eye of the tiger, boys, eye of the tiger!" at small geeky boys holding LEGO robots.

Via Daily News:
Nerd Herd spurred on at cheering sendoff to represent city at international robot competition

FIRST Robotics, helping geeks meet cheerleaders since 1989.

More Styrofoam Chickens, Please!

2009-04-09T22:07:00.000-07:00

1. I was Wil Wheaton's helper at the Emerald City Comicon last weekend, and I tried really hard not to a) humiliate myself, b) crowd him, c) say anything terrible to humiliate Jim.

I managed to not say, "Gee Wil, I saw you on Criminal Minds and I really bought that you were a rapist. Good on you!" OR "I had a HUGE crush on you as a little girl, but then I discovered Neil Patrick Harris, so I've moved on." So, let's tentatively consider this a success. We'll know for sure that I was not scary when Wil (hopefully) doesn't make a blog post about how he met this crazy chick. *fingers crossed*

2. The point of the story above: I met Wil Wheaton. (Note gloating.)

3. My car decided I should spend more time in Ballard instead of coming home tonight; I eventually showed the Merc who's boss, but it would be awesome if I didn't get laid off so that I could buy a new car. SIGH.

4. I'm looking for a new volunteer position to replace tutoring which will end in June. Anybody ever volunteered someplace that really rocked? Let me know.

5. Best sentence I read today:
"Since when did JoAnn Fabrics become the arbiter of MY morals? I'll go to church for that . . .and when I want styrofoam chickens I'll go to JoAnn's." [ZANG!]
From Jezebel's Jo-Ann Fabrics Refuses to Carry "Controversial" Issue of Quilter's Home Magazine.

Think Geek, do not tease me with things I want and cannot have:

2009-04-01T18:09:00.000-07:00

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag.

3 more things:

2009-03-31T12:53:00.001-07:00

Because you said you wanted more numbered lists.

1. The tutoring program I volunteer with is canceled because they can't afford to pay the only employee the 8 hours a week she needs to be paid to do her work.

I am tired of Washington State ducking its responsibility to fully fund education. It is garbage. I'm sad that our class sizes are too big for these kids to be served in the classroom and now I'm very sad that members of the community can't help after school.

BOOOOOOO!

2. I'm tired of people telling everyone not to get mad. Being mad is fine. So, for the record, I am mad. I helped my tutoring kid from failing to a B- this term and now she and other students will not recieve the extra help they need to meet the standards set by the US Government and the Washington Legislature.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

3. Oh, and here is one more thing I'm mad about, anyone heard about the new law Karzai is trying to slip through in Afghanistan to appease conservatives (read jerks)?
From The Guardian:
The final document has not been published, but the law is believed to contain articles that rule women cannot leave the house without their husbands' permission, that they can only seek work, education or visit the doctor with their husbands' permission, and that they cannot refuse their husband sex.
...

Akbari said the law gave a woman the right to refuse sexual intercourse with her husband if she was unwell or had another reasonable "excuse". And he said a woman would not be obliged to remain in her house if an emergency forced her to leave without permission.

The international community has so far shied away from publicly questioning such a politically sensitive issue.

We put this guy in office and this is considered ok?

Hey Hillary, pay attention to this, I am watching what you do, and if this passes with no comment due to the "sensitive" nature of the situation you will officially be the biggest setback to women's rights.

When you "allow" a woman to excuse herself from sex if she has an "excuse" you reduce her personhood.

And I don't buy this sensitivity to foreign cultures BS. Telling me that it is culture to subjugate women is like saying it is culture to keep slaves. I'm pretty sure that if you ask a woman if she would like the right to not be raped, or to go where she pleases, nearly everytime the answer will be yes. This law is simply wrong and no arguement will convince me otherwise.

We should not let this constant war with religious extremeists bully us into keeping silent when something is wrong. If you set up a pupet government you'd better have both hands on the strings.

Anyone have $50,000 I could borrow?

2009-03-28T17:10:00.000-07:00

Tesla's Model S is up for pre-order.

3 interesting links:

2009-03-27T13:30:00.001-07:00

Article debunking popular belief that lobsters and crabs don't feel pain at Discovery. This makes a lot of sense to me because animals have nervous systems to alert them to danger and injury. I've always that that no pain idea was whoey.

Interesting exploration on the politics of gender and sexually transmitted disease over at Jezebel. When Gardasil was marketed to girls, people worried that girls would become "promiscuous", but when it is marketed to boys the major challenges to efficacy and safety. After all why would the parents of strapping boys want to protect the girls, or, heaven forbid, boys with whom they will someday have sex?

A very sad essay about a mother of her violent autistic son is up at Salon and is well worth a read. There is so much about the human mind that we don't know. This mother has no idea as to why specifically he has become so violent, whether his autism is a cause or a contributing factor, or perhaps even only tenuously related. I feel very sorry for her.

Thinking is hard...

2009-03-26T19:00:00.000-07:00

In an interesting post about the backlash against the London Police's new terrorism awareness (that phrase seems weird to me) campaign on boingboing I noticed that one of the chosen parodies fell into one of my pet peeves.

Saying silly things. See:

"The police have failed to stop 100% of bombs that have exploded."

Well, that is true. But they have stopped 100% of the ones that they stopped.

SIGH.

This is exactly the same as when I lose something at work and someone says "Well, it's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Because I've found it, thus am no longer looking. Maybe what they want to say is that it is in a weird place where you wouldn't look.

I also don't believe in CCTV, ridiculous scare tactics, etc., but when you parody it is important that you are more clever than the designer of the original poster. The point of the original poster is that a terrorist can strike anywhere, which I felt was handily supported by the parody.

In the end, all this parody said to me is that the creator thinks that before the War in Iraq they didn't have a terrorist problem. (HA HA HA HA HA HA.) Also they think that there is no way to stop terrorist attacks, so why give the police crap about not stopping terrorist attacks?

I guess my point here is that people are silly. (Nice conclusion, self.)

I think I need this hankie.

2009-03-21T21:11:00.000-07:00

Via DesignGlut.

A few things...

2009-03-19T19:21:00.000-07:00

1. I am very intrigued by the Space Bat hoopla. Here is NASA's official release.
Here is a tribute:

2. Today at work I asked my coworkers if it is always like this, one damn thing after another. You see, I graduated from college shortly after September 11th and I had always assumed that this is simply how things always are. My colleagues assured me that no, things have really just been truly shitty for the entirety of my adult life.

Bully.

At the start of the year I made this promise to myself that things would be better this year. And they aren't. I haven't been a better friend or daughter. I have only been a better worker by necessity. I haven't been happier, despite an appalling amount of effort in this regard. In fact, I really feel that I have bitched more in the last three months than the last ten years combined.

But maybe it isn't because I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe it is just that things are sucking a bit. So here it is:
I hereby officially acknowledge that things SUCK right now- and that it is ok, because I am here to facilitate the awesome. I will not be discouraged by the sucking. I am redoubling my efforts to be awesome. Things are going to get better through my SHEER FORCE OF WILL.

Do not worry. Things can always get worse. And fuck it, once you hit the bottom, there is no place to go but up.

If you need assistance with locating awesome, you know where to find me. If the economy has you whipped and crying, I am here and I HAVE COOKIES. If you're laid off and lonely, I have cable and a couch.

So, consider yourself on notice, Universe. Things have been worse, things will get better, and no matter what you do, universe, I will be lurking to Pollyanna the ever living hell right out of you.

3. Did you know that fish and submarines control their buoyancy in the same way? Now I know this because one of my fish is lethargically lounging on the bottom and swimming frantically, while gasping pitifully then sinks like a rock.
I went to the good pet store in Kirkland and inquired as to whether he needed a little fishy Xanax or something and guy told me that Steve (the fish) has a swim bladder problem and to buy my fish shrimp and feed them cooked peas. So now my fish ($10 for all four) are being fed shrimp and peas (over $10), like they are at the fucking Red Lobster.
In other news, normal families can't afford shrimp and peas, so those mopey little bastards better cross their fins that I don't get RIF'd or the gravy train is not coming to Fishville anymore.